Chapter 11

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Chapter 11: The Moment of Truth

"What happened, Jasper?" Emmett asked, pulling me into his chest and wrapping his huge arms around me. "Is it Edward? Did he hurt you?"

"He. Didn't. Hurt. me," My voice wasn't my own, coming out in short bursts. I frowned and realized I was shaking. Emmett tightened his arms around me.

"It's all right, Sugar. You're OK. You're safe."

I continued to shake. I wanted to cry but, for once, I had no tears. Maybe my body sensed that if I started crying now, I would never stop.

"Come on, let's sit down," Emmett released me from the hug, but kept one arm wrapped around me as he led me to the sofa. He sat down first, sideways, and then indicated for me to lie on him. Gratefully, I climbed onto him and curled up against his broad, muscular chest, fisting his UW sweatshirt like a security blanket. He wrapped his arms around me again. It was like being enveloped in a protective cocoon.

"It'll be OK, Sugar. Whatever happened, we'll work it out. You're all right. I've got you. You're fine, and you can stay here as long as you need."

I still couldn't speak, so I just pressed myself deeper into his chest, craving the comfort he offered, and waited to calm down. I was never as thankful as I was right then to count Emmett as one of my friends.

During my many evenings in this apartment, with Seth mostly absent on his never ending stream of dates, Emmett became my unofficial guide to homosexuality in general, and being gay in Seattle specifically. We talked for hours about the local gay community, the social scene, the school organizations and support network. Emmett also told me about his coming out experience and about his past boyfriends, even revealing the mystery behind the "mutual friend" who was responsible for introducing him to Seth.

Emmett met Seth while he was dating Seth's friend, Jared. Seth and Jared came from the same small town and had messed around in high school, keeping their relationship and orientation secret, much like I had in Forks. When they arrived in Seattle they decided to come out publicly. Seth came out with a vengeance, quickly building into the pint-sized, gay powerhouse he was today, leaving the more reserved Jared in the dust romantically, though remaining friends and roommates. Emmett met Jared in a class and they hit it off. They started dating and, eventually, Emmett moved in with Jared and Seth. Everything seemed to be going well and Emmett believed he had found the love of his life. He didn't notice the continuous and growing tension between Jared and Seth. Over time, Jared became moody, sullen and withdrawn. Emmett didn't know why or what to do about it. He thought the mood swings were a phase, but everything was getting worse. Then one night, while Emmett was sleeping, Seth came home late from one of his dalliances to find a drunk Jared in the living room, waiting to attack him in a fit of jealous rage.

"Thank God I'm a light sleeper and Seth is a spitfire who's not afraid to defend himself," Emmett said. "I woke up to Seth's screams and got to the living room in time to yank Jared off him before he could . . . It was close, though. Too close. We called the cops and they arrested Jared. Everyone wanted Seth to press charges but, even after all that, he had a soft spot for Jared and refused."

Without Seth's testimony the DA had nothing, and Jared walked. He begged both Seth and Em for forgiveness, but their trust in him had been broken. After moving out, Jared eventually dropped out of school and left Seattle. Emmett didn't know where he had ended up. For obvious reasons, the incident solidified the friendship between Emmett and Seth, and they'd lived together ever since.

"So you've been alone since Jared left?" I asked, wondering just how deep of an impact Jared's betrayal had on him. Emmett shrugged.

"I've had occasional dates, but nothing serious. And I really haven't been looking for anything like that. School keeps me busy and I have Seth, and I really haven't met many guys that would be worth the kind of effort I'd want to put into a relationship. I figure there'll be time for that later."

I disagreed, thinking that Emmett was a fabulous guy and that both he and the other person would benefit from him finding someone special to share his life with right now, but I didn't say anything because it seemed like Emmett had received this advice before and soundly rejected it. I also stayed quiet because Emmett became my confidant, patiently listening to all my Edward troubles, but refraining from giving advice unless I specifically asked for it, which I rarely did. I sensed that Emmett had much in common with Peter and Greg on that subject, and I didn't want to put a strain on our friendship by feeling like I constantly had to justify my feelings for Edward. Em understood this and not only kept his opinions to himself, but also made sure to keep quiet the more outspoken Seth.

Em was very sweet, and as we became more comfortable with each other he started treating me the same way he treated Seth, occasionally hugging me or slapping my ass or pulling my back into his chest as we watched TV and movies together. It wasn't sexual, but the physical contact felt good, and I realized I was very lucky to have him living just down the hall. This close friendship was exactly what I needed to get me through the most awkward moments of my living arrangement, including this moment, escaping my roommate and his threesome obsessed slut.

After a little while, I finally calmed down enough to tell Emmett what happened. He sighed when he heard about Friday night, and I knew he must have been disappointed with me and my weakness. If only I hadn't offered, if only I had resisted the temptation to touch Edward intimately, none of this would have happened. Emmett didn't have to say anything for me to know what he was thinking.

I felt him tense beneath me when I told him about the drive home and Edward's moodiness. I knew that this reminded him of Jared, and I assured him Edward was not usually like this and that his mood had probably been related to Alice.

But the tension I felt in Emmett when I spoke about the drive from Forks to Seattle was nothing compared to the way he reacted when I told him about Alice and what Edward asked me to do with them.

"That fucking bastard," Emmett seethed. "I'll fucking kill him."

He started to get up and I clung tighter to his shirt, trying to make myself heavier so that it would be more difficult for him to stand.

"No, Emmy, he didn't know. He doesn't know about me, remember?"

"Doesn't matter," Emmett raged, but he stopped trying to stand. "You said you didn't want to do it and he still pushed."

"Em, he didn't force me. Yes, maybe he pushed, but it was still my choice. In the end I wanted to do it for him. Only I couldn't. Maybe with another girl I would have been able to, but I couldn't with her, even after he actually sucked me."

Emmett blanched at this, but I had to continue.

"Don't you see? He wanted it that much, he was willing to go that far. And I couldn't perform. You should have seen his face. I failed him, Em. He'll never forgive me. He's going to hate me."

"So what? He's a total dick and he doesn't deserve any part of you. He's too fucking stupid to appreciate you or to realize how much you do for him. Jasper, Sugar, you need to leave him behind. He's not good for you. Just the opposite. He's destroying you."

I shook my head, trying to deny what he was saying, all the while knowing that he was right. There was no hope for me and Edward. Neither one of us could be what the other needed. And all the constant lying and acting was killing me. I wouldn't be able to do it much longer.

"Jasper, watching you go through this, it's painful. Seth and I stayed out of it so far, didn't want to say anything, but this has gone too far. You can't keep doing this, keep pretending you're someone you're really not. He doesn't even respect you as a heterosexual, for Christ's sake. All those women! All the times you can't go home because he can't keep his dick in his pants or, at the very least, his bedroom. And now this? Forcing you to have sex with a woman you're not attracted to just so he doesn't have to feel rejected? That's so fucked up! You can't let it continue! You have to move out. Move in here. We have room. We'd love to have you! Get the hell out of there and away from him."

"You're right, Em, but I can't do that. I can't leave him. I love him and he needs me."

"He doesn't need you," Emmett practically spat, "He needs a doormat. That's your only use to him. He fucking walks all over you all the time."

I sighed. Em just didn't understand.

"What time is Seth coming home tonight?" I asked, just to change the subject.

"I'm not sure. Pretty late, I think. He had a date with a new guy who supposedly likes to fine wine and dine his boys before he fucks them."

I smiled. That sounded perfect for Seth. I bet if he had any say in it he'd be at the most expensive restaurant in town ordering Surf and Turf. For a little guy, Seth had an amazing appetite. Hell knew where he put it all. Emmett's theory was that he burned off all the calories during extra energetic sex, but we both knew Seth worked out and did yoga to keep himself in excellent shape.

"It takes a lot of work to be a great bottom," he'd say seriously and with pride, since he clearly considered himself the best. "Some of the most satisfying positions require a ton of muscle strength and flexibility, and I've got both in spades."

I found his dedication to the art of sex highly unique, but admirable. It almost made me want to top, except I knew I'd never make the cut.

"What was he wearing?" Seth's choice of clothing was usually a clue to what he expected from the date. Emmett laughed, understanding the reason for my question.

"The gold leopard print pants, the clingy, black sleeveless shirt and the gold scarf."

"Rawr," I growled at Em playfully. "I guess he had high expectations."

"Yes," Emmett sighed. "Let's just hope he's not disappointed. You know how he gets."

With our attention shifted to Seth and other more neutral subjects, Emmett calmed down and I did as well. A half hour later I was yawning, all the stress of the day leaving me absolutely exhausted. Emmett noticed my fatigue.

"We'd better hit the sack, right?" he asked and I blushed, suddenly realizing that I was semi-nude and sprawled right on top of him. He noticed my blush and I could see a faint blush spreading across his face as well. We both moved to sit up. I looked down at my jeans. Not exactly the most comfortable sleeping attire, but they would have to do. It was either that or going commando, something I was not prepared to do on my first night at Seth and Emmett's.

"What's wrong?" Emmett must have noticed my discomfort.

"When I ran out I just grabbed my jeans. So there's nothing underneath."

Emmett's eyebrows rose in surprise, followed by a wide smile.

"Oh, Sugar," he teased. "The images you just put in my head."

I looked away, mortified. Emmett bumped my shoulder.

"Come on, it was just a joke. No need to be embarrassed. Would you like to borrow a pair of boxers or something?"

It was my turn to look at him with raised eyebrows. There was no fuckin' way any of his boxers would ever fit me. He quickly understood.

"I have some gym shorts with drawstring closures," he offered.

I smiled. "Those would probably work better."

"Come on, then," he got up and headed to his bedroom. I followed. He pulled a pair of gym shorts out of his dresser and left the room, closing the door behind him to give me privacy. As I was changing, I heard the doorbell and cracked open the door out of curiosity. Seth wouldn't have rung the bell, and I wondered who else could have been coming over at such a late hour.

"What do you want, Edward," I heard Emmett ask. I inched closer to the door to hear better.

"Look, I know you don't like me, Emmett, but I need your help. Jasper left earlier tonight. I've been looking for him everywhere, but I can't find him. I'm worried. He isn't dressed for the weather. He could get sick. Have you seen him or spoken with him?"

"Why did he leave without getting properly dressed?" Emmett asked instead of answering the question. I could tell he was enjoying playing with Edward.

"That. . . " I could hear the struggle in Edward's voice as he moderated what he was about to say into something resembling politeness. "That's not important right now. But he didn't even take his phone with him, so I can't get in touch with him that way, and I've really looked everywhere I can think of. You're my last resort. If you haven't heard from him, I'm calling the police."

I nearly came out of the room to protest. I didn't want the police involved. How fuckin' embarrassing!

"I've heard from him," Emmett said, and I breathed a sigh of relief.

"You have? Why the fuck didn't you say so earlier?" the quasi polite Edward was gone. "Where is he?"

"You don't need to know that."

"The hell I don't. He's my roommate, my best friend."

"And if he wanted you to know where he was, he would have told you himself. All you need to know is that he's fine. Now, it's late. Go away."

"Wait," I heard a noise and assumed it was Edward keeping the door from closing. "Listen" he said, his tone more conciliatory, "I'm worried about him. I need to talk to him."

"I'm sure he knows how to reach you if and when he wants to talk to you," Emmett was unrelenting.

"All right. But would you just tell him that I really need to talk to him? Please, just tell him that. I just want to make sure he knows that."

He sounded like he really needed to talk, and I wanted to reassure him that I was all right. I knew this wasn't the smartest thing to do right now, but as always, I found him irresistible. I knew I had to act quickly. If I waited much longer Emmett would close the door, and I couldn't let Edward walk away this uncertain and worried. I opened the bedroom door.

"I'm here, Edward," I said quietly.

Edward and Emmett both turned to look at me. I hated the look of annoyance mixed with disappointment on Emmett's face.

"Jasper?" Edward said incredulously. "Have you been here all along? This is where you ran to?"

"And what's wrong with him coming over here?" Emmett asked belligerently.

"I wasn't talking to you," Edward said without looking at Em. "Why, Jas? Why did you leave? What the hell happened? Why didn't you stay so we could talk? And why would you come here? Can't you see what's happening, what he's doing? Jesus! Come on, let's go home."

"And what is it exactly that you think I'm doing?" Emmett crossed his arms, his face tight with anger. Edward ignored him and continued talking directly to me.

"He's been luring you here for months and now he's caught you at a vulnerable moment. And what, you're gonna spend the night? In his bed? With him? Become his little fuck toy? Has he already tried? Clearly those aren't your fucking shorts. Jas, what the hell are you doing in his bedroom behind closed doors wearing his fucking shorts?"

"Oh, you goddamn bastard," Emmett exploded. "You had better not be implying what I think you just implied."

"Why not?" Edward finally turned to Emmett, "That's how you queers operate, isn't it? You find guys who may be confused or vulnerable and you recruit them into this sick shit that you're into. Well, you're not gonna do it to him. You're not gonna turn my best friend into a fag."

"You fucking bigot. You don't know what the hell you're talking about. No one here is trying to turn Jasper into anything. We accept him for who he is. You're the one who's turning him into a whore, forcing him to perform sex acts for your fucking pleas. . ."

Emmett didn't have a chance to finish before Edward's fist connected with his jaw, the impact snapping his head to the side and sending him reeling backwards, trying to maintain his balance. Taken off guard, Emmett did not instantly react and Edward pounced, sending a punch to Emmett's stomach and another to his face. I saw blood spurting from somewhere on Em's face as he tried to shake off his confusion. He didn't have much of a chance before Edward attacked again with a double punch to his gut.

"Edward, Stop!" I finally shook myself out of my shocked stupor and ran towards them, grabbing Edward in an attempt to restrain him. He wasn't expecting me, so I was able to loop my arms through his from behind, preventing him from punching Emmett again.

"Stop, Edward. Please, stop," I begged as he struggled to free himself. He was stronger than me and I had a hard time maintaining my hold. Then I watched in terror as Emmett straightened, pulled back his arm and delivered a hard punch to Edward's face, the force of the blow forcing Edward to fall against me.

"No," I pleaded with Emmett with my eyes. "Stop it, both of you."

Seeing the panic in my face, Emmett held back, using his hand to wipe the blood dripping from his lip. Edward was no longer struggling. I turned with him and let him go, pushing him towards the door.

"Go, Edward. Leave. Just go."

He turned back to look at me.

"I'm not leaving you here. I won't let him turn you into another one of his little fairies, like the other queer he lives with."

I stared at him in disbelief, stunned at the words coming out of his mouth. I couldn't let this go. I couldn't let him continue to insult my friends and I couldn't continue lying about who I was. For better or for worse, I had to tell him the truth. I had to come out.

"Edward, Seth and Em are not together. They're just roommates. And no one here has to turn me into anything. I'm already a fairy, a queer, a fag, a homo, whatever else you wanna call me. I've always been one."

He stared at me in shock.

"What the fuck are you saying, Jasper?"

"I'm saying I'm gay, Edward. I'm a homosexual. I've always been one and I finally realized and accepted it sophomore year. Girls never turned me on, Edward. I'm attracted to men."

"You're a fag?" he asked, his eyes open wide in horror.

"Yes," I didn't have any more to add.

"You have sex with men?"

"Yes," I had hoped that question wouldn't come up, but I didn't want to lie. I also didn't think this was the time to get into the difference between oral and anal sex and how much I'd done with how many people. A single word answer seemed like the best option.

"But what about Lauren?"

"That was the only time I've ever done anything with a girl," and the whole time I was thinking about you. I didn't think adding the last thought would contribute much to this conversation.

"But you said you've been with women this summer, in Europe."

"The things I told you about really happened. I didn't lie. But I never said who I did it with. You assumed it was women and I didn't correct your assumption."

"So when you . . . when I . . .when we . . . So Bella was right?"

"Yes."

"So all those protests, all that outrage, it was all fucking lies?"

"I never lied, but I did mislead you, and for that I'm so very, very sorry. But you have to understand, I was afraid that you'd react exactly like this. I was afraid of losing my best friend," I reached out my hand to him but he stepped back out of my reach and I let my arm drop.

"You fucking touched me. You let me touch you. All the while knowing I thought you were straight. And you didn't say anything? You goddamn queer! You're just like the rest of them. What were you doing? Trying to recruit me?"

"It's not like that, Edward."

"And all the while you've been fucking around. Fucking him. Fucking who knows how many others? All that time in the library -- do they have a special room for queers to fuck in there or do you just find an out of the way spot in the stacks? So this is what you were so looking forward to in Seattle? This new life where you can fuck as many guys as you please? No wonder you hated Forks."

"It's not like that, Edward," I repeated, my voice small now. I was in so much pain. Each of his words was like a knife piercing deep into my heart.

"The fuck it's not. I see you've made your choice. At least this time I didn't find out by walking in on him fucking you from behind."

God, this hurt. This hurt so damn bad. I didn't know words could hurt so much. I didn't realize he would assume the worst possible things about me. I didn't realize how deeply his hatred went or how ridiculously bigoted and wrong his ideas about homosexuality were. Tears spilled onto my cheeks and I started sobbing.

"Edward, try to understand," My voice was broken and shook as I tried to speak between sobs. "It's not like that. I'm not like that. Please!"

"Fuck you, you fucking fag. That's exactly what it's like. You love taking it up the ass, don't you? Is that why you asked me to go so easy on Black? Was he fucking you too? He's exactly your type, isn't he? You clearly like them big and stupid. Was that your biggest revenge on Bella? Having him prefer fucking you to fucking her?"

I sank to my knees and slumped to the ground. He was being so hateful. I thought I had prepared myself for this, but I had been so naive. This was a thousand times worse than anything I had imagined. I could feel my heart breaking, shattering. There was an ache in my chest, my sobs became gasps for breath. I vaguely heard Emmett telling Edward to get the fuck out, that he'd said more than enough, and then a struggle and the door closing. But what I heard first and foremost were Edward's words, repeated over and over. 'You goddamn queer, you fucking fag, you goddamn queer . . ."

I felt Emmett picking me up and carrying me to his room. He place me down on his bed and got in bedside me, once again pulling me into his arms, rocking me gently as I continued to weep.

"Shh... It's all right, Jasper. Everything will be all right. Shh... I'm so sorry, Sugar. I'm so sorry. I've got you. It'll be all right. I know if hurts now, but that will pass and it will get better, I promise. You did the right thing. A very brave thing. You're so strong. You're much stronger than you give yourself credit for. This will pass, you'll see. Shh. . . Please, Sugar, please stop crying. It's all right."

I just kept crying, unable to answer.

"I'm so sorry," he murmured, "So very sorry. I'm sorry I let that happen. I'm sorry I let him in. I'm sorry I let him hurt you."

"He . . . hates . . . me. . ." I managed to get out between my gasps for breath.

"It doesn't matter. He doesn't matter. You don't need him in your life. You're better off without him."

"I . . love . . him . . . and . . . he . . . hates . . . me."

Emmett's arms tightened around me.

"He doesn't deserve your love. He can't return it. It's better this way. You're better off without him in your life," he repeated.

His words had the opposite of the intended effect. The thought of a life without Edward made me weep even harder.

"Please, Jasper," Emmett pleaded. "Please don't cry. He's not worth it. Please, shhh. You're so special, so wonderful. You're smart and you're funny, and you're so much better than he is. And he knows it. He knows that you're too good for him. He doesn't hate you, Sugar. He hates himself because he knows he'll never be as good as you. He knows he's not good enough for anyone."

I don't know how long we stayed like this, me weeping in Emmett's arms, he attempting to soothe me. Eventually the tears ran out, and then the dry sobs quieted, and I was just slumped against Emmett, completely drained. He was silent now, but continued to rock me, occasionally placing gentle kisses on my forehead. I finally looked up at him and saw my pain reflected in his eyes.

"I'm sorry, Em," I croaked, my throat sore from swallowing all the mucus.

He lifted his arm and ran his hand thought my hair, pushing it back off my face.

"You have nothing to be sorry for."

I suddenly noticed his swollen lip and the blood dried around the cut. He hadn't even had time to clean up. I raised my hand and touched his lip with my finger.

"You're hurt," I whispered. "I'm so sorry."

"It's not your fault. It's nothing, anyway. I've had worse."

"Oh Em," I whispered, pressing the side of my face into his chest. "Thank you, for everything. I don't deserve this."

He tilted my face up to look at him, gazing seriously into my eyes.

"You do deserve this. You deserve all this and more. You're really, really special."

Something in his eyes changed. I saw it and didn't understand it at first, but then recognized that he was asking me for permission, and without saying a word I gave it. I watched his head lower and felt his lips touch mine gently. I closed my eyes and inhaled deeply through my nose. I felt the swelling of his top lip, and the soft warmth of his skin as he moved his lips against mine slowly, carefully, tentatively. I responded in a similar manner, both of us cautious, knowing this was something new and unplanned. We pulled apart after a few seconds, uncertain what to say, how to react.

"We'd better get some sleep," he finally said. "Do you want me to make up the pull-out or do you want to stay here with me?"

I didn't have to think about it. I didn't want to sleep alone on the sofa and I trusted Emmett completely.

"I'd like to stay here with you, Em, if that's OK?"

He brushed his hand across my cheek.

"Of course. I'm just gonna go change and clean up the lip. I'm sorry, I don't have an extra toothbrush."

"It's OK, Em. It's just one night. I'll get my own back tomorrow."

He looked at me, but didn't comment. We both knew I had to think about living arrangements, but this was not the time. I was too exhausted and I didn't need to make any decisions right now.

"OK, you settle in and I'll be right back," he said, kissing my forehead and slipping out of bed to go to the bathroom. I peeled back the covers and slid underneath. From the position of his alarm clock I guessed he preferred to sleep on the right, so I took the left side of the bed. I flipped on my left side to face the bed's edge, tucked my bent arm under the pillow, and closed my eyes, willing my mind to go blank, so I could sleep.

A few minutes later I felt Emmett sliding in beside me. I opened one eye to see that the lights had been turned off. Em moved up behind me, spooning me, and pulled me close to him with his right arm.

"Good night, Jasper," he said.

"Good night, Emmett," I replied.

We didn't say any more. I felt safe and secure, the skin of my back pressed into his chest. I realized that aside from that one night with Edward, I had never slept with another man, and certainly never with a man who was there just to protect me. I discovered I really liked this feeling.

Soon I heard his breathing deepen and even out, and I knew he was asleep. I shifted slightly to make myself more comfortable and, eventually, succumbed to sleep as well.