Chapter 12

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Chapter 12: Resolutions

The next morning I woke up alone. The sun was shining through the window and the bedroom door was closed. I turned over to look at the clock, which announced that it was 8:00. I groaned. We'd gone to bed late, and though I woke up naturally, most likely due to the light, I had not had enough sleep. I rubbed my eyes and ran my hands through my hair before slowly sitting up and getting out of bed. I noticed that my jeans were folded on top of the dresser along with one of Emmett's t-shirts. I put both on and headed for the living room.

Seth was sitting at the table, eating a bowl of granola. I heard water running in the bathroom and assumed Emmett was in the shower.

"Hey," I said to Seth, not knowing how much he knew, though the fact that he didn't seem surprised to see me walking out of Emmett's bedroom told me he knew something.

"Hey," he replied. "Are you hungry? Want me to get you a bowl?" he gestured towards his breakfast.

"Sure," I said, and followed him into the kitchen as he got out a bowl and cereal for me, letting me pour it out while he got the milk. When I was done we walked back to the table and sat down to eat.

"Em told me what happened with Edward," Seth said, placing his hand over mine. "I'm sorry you had to go through that."

I could tell there was a lot more he wanted to say, but he was trying to be diplomatic. I was grateful. I was pretty sure I already knew what Seth's opinion would be and I wasn't ready to hear it.

"It had to happen sooner or later," I mumbled. "I didn't think it would be this soon, but maybe it's for the best."

"Did you and Em talk about you staying with us?"

I looked up at him. Emmett had said it would be OK for me to stay with them, but I never actually discussed this with Seth.

"Yes. He offered, but of course I wouldn't do anything without speaking with you first . . ."

Seth waived his hand dismissively. "Em speaks for me. He would not have offered unless I had already agreed. You're welcome to stay as long as you'd like. We like you, Jasper. And living with . . ." I could tell he was struggling with his choice of words for Edward. "him wasn't good for you." apparently he'd decided to go neutral. A corner of my lip turned up in a smile. He noticed.

"Well, don't look so surprised," he rolled his eyes. "I can bite my tongue if I need to."

I was smiling fully now, something I wouldn't have thought possible a few minutes ago.

"Thanks, Seth. I know how much self-discipline it takes for you to do this and I appreciate it."

Seth put down his spoon, crossed his arms and huffed, looking to the sky as if for guidance.

"Well if you're gonna ridicule. . ."

"Seth," I reached over and touched his shoulder to reassure him. "I'm not ridiculing. I'm really grateful. I know what Edward did last night was awful, but I'm still not ready to hear you criticize him. I'm just very glad and thankful you understand."

Mollified, he started eating again.

"So Edward knows. Are you going to tell anyone else?"

I sighed. Now that Edward knew, there wasn't much hope of keeping my homosexuality a secret from my family or his. Even if Edward didn't say anything, sooner or later someone would figure out that I had moved out and start asking questions. Of course, other than my father, I had no plans to see my family any time soon. Without Edward to drive me, I really didn't have a good way of getting back to Forks, and this wasn't the type of conversation I wanted to have over the phone.

"I'm not sure. The timing sucks. I wasn't gonna see my Forks side of the family until Easter, and I can't tell my dad before I tell my mom -- she'd flip."

Seth nodded.

"For what it's worth, I don't think he'll tell anyone."

I looked at him, surprised.

"Why not?"

Seth shrugged.

"Just a hunch. He's gonna have a hard enough time processing the news himself. He won't want to talk about it or acknowledge it to anyone else unless he has to."

I was going to follow up with a question, but just then the bathroom door opened and Emmett stepped out, freshly showered and dressed in jeans and a T-shirt. Seeing me at the table he walked over and hugged me from behind, placing a kiss on my cheek. I leaned to the side and turned to look at him, noting that his lip was still swollen and that an ugly bruise was now spreading across the side of his face. I reached up to gently touch the bruise.

"Does it hurt very much?" I asked.

Em smiled, his brown eyes twinkling.

"Not really. But if you want you can kiss it and make it better," he teased. I blushed, dropped my hand and looked away, my eyes landing on Seth, who was watching us with a curious but guarded expression.

Emmett didn't press. He went to the kitchen and got his breakfast, then came back to the table.

"So what's the plan for today? At some point you have to go back to your apartment to get your stuff. Want me to go with you?"

"Don't you have classes to go to today? I wouldn't want you to miss school because of me."

"My schedule is actually a pretty light today, and your safety is more important than a lecture anyway."

I looked at him, surprised. He didn't actually think I needed to worry about my safety, did he? Em understood my silent question.

"He probably had enough time to cool off and he probably wouldn't actually hurt you, but it's better not to give him an opportunity. He certainly didn't have a problem letting his fists fly last night."

I hung my head. The things Edward has said to me hurt enough. I didn't want to have to think about the possibility of him wanting to beat me up. I really didn't think Edward was capable of doing that to me, but then I remembered that in the past when I'd been spared his wrath I had been his friend. I supposed that label no longer applied, so all bets were off.

"Thanks, Em," I said quietly. "It would be great if you came with me. Edward has a class at 10:00, so if we go during that time we might miss him altogether."

"Good, If you want to bring over some of your furniture, I can make space in my room." Emmett said, eyes down on his food. Seth's eyebrow shot up inquisitively.

"So am I missing something?" he asked. "I thought Jasper was bunking on the pullout."

"Sure, if he wants." Emmett said, still not looking up. He didn't say anything more but the implied invitation was there. I could sleep on the pullout sofa or in his bed. Seth's mouth tightened slightly and I started to feel really uncomfortable.

"Emmett, there's something I need to get from a shelf in my closet. Will you help me please?" Seth said.

"Sure," Emmett agreed. "Just let me finish eating."

"I really need it now," Seth said pointedly. "Your breakfast isn't going anywhere."

It was all too obvious that Seth wanted to speak with Emmett alone and Em wasn't getting it, so I had to act.

"You know, I need to hit the toilet and then maybe take a shower, if that's okay?"

Em looked up. "Of course. I set out fresh towels for you in the bathroom. And it turns out Seth had a spare new toothbrush, so that's there too."

"Thanks," I said gratefully. I got up and placed my bowl in the dishwasher before heading into the bathroom. I took my time, not knowing how long Seth needed for his conversation. I had a feeling it would be about Emmett's implication that I could share his room. I thought about this as I washed myself in the shower. I liked Emmett a lot. He was a great friend and last night he had really been there for me, made me feel safe. Until he kissed me, though, I never thought of him as anything other than a friend. And the kiss had been so fleeting it really was not a good yardstick for any other kind of a relationship. Did I want to try being more than friends with Emmett? I wasn't sure. Well, that wasn't an automatic no. Maybe this is exactly what you need. Someone who thinks you're special. Someone calm and loving and safe. But what it f it didn't work out? Did I want to risk our friendship for a chance at love? Would it be worth it? If we dated and broke up, where would I go?

My head was spinning, running through different permutations, working through all possible paths and outcomes. Through it all, I was no closer to making a damn decision. And really, it wasn't a decision I could make alone. I needed to talk to Emmett.

I got out of the shower, dried off, and re-dressed in my jeans and Em's shirt. I finger-combed my hair and finally looked at myself in the mirror. My eyes were no longer red and puffy and outwardly there was no evidence that I went through a personal crisis the previous night. I was glad. It meant that I didn't have to hide from the rest of civilization.

I was about to walk out of the bathroom when I heard Seth's raised voice.

"Emmy, this is a recipe for disaster. He's on a rebound and he doesn't even know everything yet. He's never been in a relationship. He won't be able to give you what you're looking for and you'll end up with your heart broken."

"So what am I supposed to do, huh, Seth? I really like him. A lot. He's a great guy. The best guy I've met in a long time. Shouldn't I at least find out if he feels the same way and is willing to give this a shot? I mean, what do you want me to do? Let this opportunity go because the timing sucks? Am I supposed to watch him go out there and get snapped up by someone else because I'm too scared to take a risk? And don't even bother protesting because you know damn well that's exactly what will happen. He'll get snapped up as soon as word's out that he's on the market, because he's gorgeous and smart and fun to be with . . . And there I'll be, sitting at home, listening to him rave about his new boyfriend and their hot dates, saying to myself 'well, at least you didn't get your heart broken again'. Fuck that! I've been cautious for 2 years, waiting for someone like him to come along. No pain, Seth, but no pleasure either. I dare you to try that for a week and then come back to give me advice."

"Fine, Emmett. If you want to try this, fine. But you'll be doing it against my advice and you will have to tell him the truth about Edward."

The truth about Edward? What the heck were they talking about? What had they been keeping from me?

"The truth about Edward? How about the speculation about Edward? No one knows the truth, Seth, probably not even him."

"You still have to tell him. If it turns out to be true and Jasper finds out that you didn't share your suspicions with him he'll feel betrayed, and you can't start off a relationship like that."

"That's bullshit, Seth, and you know it. He's so confused right now and this will only confuse him more. We have no proof other than observation and some really bad things could happen if we convince him and we turn out to be wrong. Hell, bad things could happen even if we're right."

I felt bad spying on them through the bathroom door, but I couldn't tear myself away. I had to hear.

"Emmy, you know I love you. I don't want to see you hurt. You and Jasper -- you're just so similar. I don't think it would work. I mean, is he even a top?"

I pressed my ear to the door, dying to hear his answer. Emmett and I had already discussed that we both bottoms.

"I can switch," I heard Em say quietly. "For the right man I'd switch. And maybe sometimes he'd switch for me."

"Emmett," Seth sighed. There was a lull in the conversation. I figured this was as good of a time to get out of the bathroom as any.

"Em," I asked hesitantly, "Can I borrow something to write on and with. I think I'd better write Edward a note explaining what I'm doing. I wouldn't want another confrontation."

"Jas, do you really think that's a good idea?"

"Yeah. I mean, I don't really have any choice. I have to tell him what I'm going to do about my stuff, rent. I can't leave him high and dry. I think I will have to cover rent at least through the winter quarter, maybe even through spring. I also have to ask him not to tell my family before I have a chance to. He may not listen, but I have to ask."

"There's paper and pens in my desk in my room. Help yourself. I'll be right there."

"I'll be OK, Em, Finish your talk. Don't worry about me."

I went to his room and closed the door behind me. I found the paper and pens in the top drawer of the desk. Drafting the letter was hard. I went though many sheets of paper before I was finally satisfied. I folded the paper and sat back in the chair, thinking about the conversation I'd overheard. Did it make sense to try dating Emmett? He was a great guy. Thoughtful, sensitive, intelligent, good looking with a good sense of humor. He really was a total package. And he made me feel safe. And I had to look up to kiss him! But. . . I hesitated to even think it . . .I wasn't attracted to him sexually. It was such a stupid thing. Such a little thing, really, in the grand scheme of things. Maybe I just hadn't allowed myself to think of him that way, because I didn't want to destroy our friendship? Maybe if we went out on a date and started messing around, things would change? It wouldn't hurt to try if we were both very clear from the beginning. And it would make Em happy. And I owed him a little bit of happiness after all he did for me.

Em walked into the room, leaving the door open.

"Seth is going to class," he said.

"Bye Jasper, Emmett. See you tonight, honeys!"

"No date tonight?" I asked Emmett, surprised.

"He re-scheduled. Said we needed roommate bonding time."

"What does that entail?"

Emmett rolled his eyes. "Whatever Seth says it does. He loves to make himself pretty so it might be facials or pedicures." He laughed, seeing my horror stricken face. "Just kidding. We'll probably just play scrabble or poker or something. Mostly he'll want to talk and get to know you better."

"But he already knows me," I protested.

"He doesn't know you as a roommate. But don't stress. It'll be fine. It's not like the Spanish inquisition. Frankly, I think you'll enjoy getting to know Seth better too."

"Sure, I know I will, but . . ." I hesitated, then decided to bite the bullet, "Is he just doing this so we won't be left alone tonight?"

Em looked at me pensively.

"You caught that, huh? I suppose we should talk about what happened last night when I kissed you. I'm sorry about that, Jas. I shouldn't have done that, given everything that happened."

"You don't have to apologize, Em. But we should talk."

Emmett sighed and sat down on the edge of his bed.

"All right. True confessions time. I like you. A lot. I have for a while. I've just enjoyed the time we've spent hanging out and talking. I'm comfortable with you. I feel I can tell you anything. I have told you things I haven't shared with anyone, even Seth. And I think you've done that too. And that's awesome. I love that we can be so honest and open with one another. And I think that sets a great foundation for a relationship.

"I know I should have said something sooner, but you were always so into Edward and it didn't seem like anything could break you from that crush. But then last night you were just so heartbroken, and I needed to show you that you deserve to be loved." he looked down.

I walked over to sit beside him on the bed and put my head on his shoulder.

"Emmy, you were perfect last night. You gave me exactly what I needed and you didn't make any demands. I don't think I could ever find the words to tell you how grateful I am for that. But I have to be honest. I've always only thought of you as a friend. And even now, with what happened last night, I don't know if I'm totally over Edward."

"Okay, well, on that subject, there's something about Edward that you should know. I know you think your feelings for him are one-sided. But Seth and I suspect that isn't true. The way he acts when we see you together, we think he has feelings for you that are stronger than friendship and he's just too homophobic to admit them."

I tried to look at him, but he kept his face lowered.

"Peter told me the same thing." I said thoughtfully. "Why haven't you said anything until now?"

"Because I think he's a jerk and he doesn't treat you well and even if he did return your feelings I think you deserve someone better."

"Someone like you?" I asked quietly.

He sat up straight and looked me in the eye.

"Someone who is gonna respect you and treat you like an equal and actually appreciate all your wonderful qualities. So yeah, someone like me." He sounded indignant. I could tell my question had hurt him and I was sorry to have asked it. He wasn't keeping his suspicions about Edward from me for self-serving reasons. He was trying to do what he thought was best for me.

"I'm sorry, Emmett," I said sincerely. "I know you are only trying to help me. I really shouldn't have asked that."

He shrugged. "It's OK. I'm not afraid to tell you the truth. And I do think I'm better for you than he is. I may not be perfect, I may not even be right, but I'm better than he is."

It was my turn to look away. I ran my fingers though my hair. I was confused again, and the pain of everything that happened last night returned with a vengeance. The things Edward said to me, the things he'd accused me of doing-- would someone who actually cared about me be able to do that? And instantly I knew the answer -- Edward did care about me on some level, and he could absolutely crush me despite having those feelings. He'd done it before, after all. Time and time again he'd protected me from being hurt by others, but he's never let our friendship get in the way of hurting me himself. He knew how to push all my emotional buttons to make me feel like complete crap when he'd wanted to.

So what if Emmett and Peter were right? What if Edward was attracted to me despite his homophobia, despite everything he'd said last night? Could I overlook everything else, overlook his complete disregard for my feelings, overlook his clear contempt of my sexual orientation and my friends, just to be with him if he actually wanted to be with me? Did I owe it to myself and him to tell him I'd loved him all these years and find out from him directly how he really felt? At this point, I had nothing left to lose by telling him, but did I have anything to gain?

I turned and flopped on the bed, burying my face in the covers, the cotton fabric absorbing my fresh tears. I was a fuckin' mess. My feelings for Edward had always made me stupid, and it was even worse now. I didn't deserve Emmett or anyone else, because I wasn't fuckin' available. I still loved that bastard, despite everything, and I couldn't let it go. I felt Emmett's hand rubbing soothing circles across my back and it took everything I had not to shrink away from it. I didn't deserve his kindness. I deserved to get checked in to a fuckin' mental institution.

"It's OK, Jasper," Emmett said. "It's all still fresh. It's OK for you to be confused. You've loved him for a long time -- it doesn't just turn off like a switch. And I know it's extra hard when you think he might feel the same way about you. I didn't want to tell you, because I knew it would confuse things, but Seth was right. You need to think about it, you need to process it, and you need to take it into account when you're making your decisions. Don't beat yourself up about it. Just think about what it is you really want. And know that Seth and I will be here for you no matter what you decide."

This was my friend Emmett talking. He had taken the part of himself who wanted more and locked it away. I knew, because I had done it for so many years with Edward. And I felt like shit for placing him in that position, because I knew exactly how horrible it felt. I'd done it all the time Edward had been with Bella, always supporting him, never saying a word against her, because that was what he needed. Fuck! I never thought I would be in a position where someone else was doing the same thing for me. Only I was worse than Edward, because he at least didn't recognize that Bella was a bitch and all wrong for him. I knew all these things about Edward and was forcing Emmett to be supportive of me despite my crappy judgment. God, I was as much of a bastard as Edward. Fuckward and Assper -- what a lovely pair!

"Jas, you don't have to make any decisions about him right now. But it is 10:00. Should we go and get your stuff, at least some of the stuff so you can stay here for a few days and then decide if you want to make it more permanent?"

I turned to him.

"OK. I'll bring my clothes, books and laptop. Hell, I don't have much stuff anyway. I'll bring the portable things over and leave the furniture there, if that's OK?"

"Sure, of course, whatever you want. I'm just here for moral support and to do the heavy lifting." He curled his left arm to show me his impressive bicep and I couldn't help smiling.

"Thanks, Em. I really don't deserve this,"

"Hey," he cautioned, "remember what happened last night when you started talking like that? You'd better shut up if you don't want a repeat," He was teasing but I heard something in his voice, an invitation for me to keep going , a desire to try again. As easy as it would have been to give him what he wanted, I knew it would be a mistake. So I sat up and then stood up, grabbed the letter than I had written for Edward, and headed for the door.

"Let's go. Our window of opportunity may be short today."

We walked down the hall to my apartment and I unlocked the door cautiously, not knowing what to expect. The apartment looked deserted.

"Seems pretty quiet," I said. I guess he went to class."

Emmett looked at the closed door to Edward's room.

"Maybe, but let's just get your stuff and get the hell out of here."

I looked around the living room and confirmed that nothing in it had been mine. Everything was in place and neat, a stark contrast to what was going on in my head. I don't know what I expected to find here. I guess I was looking for some real life turmoil to match my emotions. Instead, I realized that after I took my personal belongings out of my room, the apartment would still look exactly the same. I wouldn't have even made a mark. There'd be nothing of me for Edward to miss.

"Anything in this room?" Emmett nudged me out of my thoughts.

"No, let's go to my room."

I placed the folded note for Edward on the dinette table as I passed it. In my room I dug out my suitcase and started filling it with clothes from my dresser. Em grabbed a crate and loaded it up with some of my books and stuff from my desk. When I was done packing, he handed me the crate, gathered my hung clothes from the closet into one arm and took the suitcase into the other.

"Ready? Let's get this load into our place and come back for the rest."

I followed him out, locking the door behind me. We dropped off the clothes and books in Em's room, and came back for the next batch of stuff. I put my bedding in a garbage bag to make it all easier to carry and packed up my alarm clock and electronics. The last two items I placed in the box were my sketch and painting from Laurent. I looked around one last time, making sure I had everything. Then I signaled to Emmett and we made our way back out.

As I passed the dinette table again I noticed that my note was gone. I paused with a start. Edward hadn't gone to class. He was here, behind the closed door of his room. Why was he hiding? Why wouldn't he come out to talk to us, or at least to insult us.?

We went back to Emmett's apartment and, once again, put the box of stuff in his room. I fidgeted for a moment, then decided that I had to go back and at least try to talk with Edward. And I had to do it alone. I made an excuse to Em about forgetting my toiletries form the bathroom and told him I'd only be gone a few minutes and there was no need for him to go with me. He gave me as strange look, like he knew I was lying, but he told me he'd make room for my clothes while I was gone and not to take too long or he'd follow me to make sure I was all right. I went back to my place, let myself in and walked up to the door to Edward's room, knocking gently.

"Edward? I know you're in there. Can we talk?"

There was no answer, so I knocked louder and more persistently.

"Get the fuck away from here," He said through the door. "I read your fuckin' note so I know what you have to say and I've got nothing to say to you."

"Edward, I didn't tell you everything in the note. There are some things I would never do via a note. Edward, please come out. We've been friends for all these years, don't you at least owe me one last face to face conversation?"

I stood there for a long moment, waiting. Nothing was happening on the other side. I had just about given up, when I finally heard him move. The door swung open violently, making me step back in shock, reminding me of Emmett's concern for my physical safety. Edward stood in the door, still wearing the clothes he had on last night. He obviously hadn't showered or changed and there were deep shadows under his eyes, as though he hadn't slept at all. I glanced past him and finally saw what I had been looking for before. His room looked like it had been hit by a fuckin' tornado. It was almost as if he'd taken every single one of his possessions and strewn them all over. I knew it shouldn't have, but this made me feel better. At least I wasn't the only one whose feelings were a total mess.

"You wanted to talk, so talk. I already know you're moving in with your boyfriend. What else is there?"

"Emmett is not my boyfriend," I said vehemently, "I haven't been involved with anyone since I came back from Europe. Do you know why, Edward? Because I fuckin' meant what I'd said to you that night you and Bella broke up. I love you. Yes, I'd had a couple of experiences in Europe because I didn't think there was any chance for us and I thought you were doing the same thing in Forks, but that was it. Since I came back it's only been you. It's been you for years."

For a second Edward's face reflected his surprise, but then a hard mask fell over it like a shutter.

"Why the fuck are you telling me this, you cocksucker? You think I give a shit that some queer has been wanting to get up my ass for years? You think telling me this somehow justifies you fondling me or luring me into doing the things I did to you? Get the fuck out of this apartment. Take your ass back to your fuckfriend or boyfriend or whatever the fuck you two are and stay the hell away from me. You're a goddamn liar and freak and if I never see you again it will be too fucking soon."

I took a step back. How could he be filled with so much hate for me? I thought back to Friday night, our time at the park before we got in the back seat of the car. How could he just dismiss that, dismiss years of friendship, over something I couldn't even control?

"Edward . . . " I started again, but he cut me off.

"Spare me the melodrama, you fucking queen. Just get the hell out before I have to drop kick you out. And if you need to tell me something send a goddamn letter. I don't want to see you or talk to you again."

I stood in place, unable to move, until he took a threatening step towards me, forcing me to turn on my heel and walk out of the apartment. I found Emmett in the hallway right outside the door.

"You heard?" I asked.

"Yes," he confirmed. "I wasn't eavesdropping, I just wanted to be here in case he . . ."

"I know, Emmy. It's all right. Thank You. I'm glad you heard. You can remind me if I'm ever fuckin' stupid enough to think he ever cared about me." Fresh tears were streaming down my face, but this time they were tears of anger. I was fuckin' pissed at myself for making myself vulnerable to him yet again. For allowing him to hurt me yet again. I thought I had nothing left to lose, but apparently there had been some shred of self-respect that hadn't been destroyed until a few minutes ago. The fucker! But I couldn't blame him completely. I walked in and handed him the perfect opportunity . And I should have known better, because Edward Cullen had never passed up the chance to kick someone he hated when they were down.

Em and I walked back to his place. He had already hung my clothes in his closet and made room for in his dresser. I unpacked all my other stuff and then we ate lunch, silently, Emmett sensing that I couldn't handle a conversation. After lunch we watched ridiculous daytime TV and then studied a little. Eventually Seth came home and eased the atmosphere enough for me to start talking again. We ordered pizza and had our roommate bonding session. Slowly, things started going back to normal, or as normal as they were going to get as long as I was camping out on my friends' living room pull-out.

It took me nearly a week to finally sort out all my feelings and understand that I had to let Edward go. He didn't want anything to do with me. The few times I'd seen him in the hallways of our apartment building or in the classes we had in common, he made sure to avoid being anywhere near me or even to look at me. At first it hurt like hell, but eventually I got used to it and adopted his avoidance techniques. Apparently even a fuckhead like me could learn eventually.

Em and I had tried dating. Nothing serious, just casually going out, to see how it felt. As always, we enjoyed spending time together talking, kissing, holding hands, holding other body parts . . . but we were missing that spark, chemistry, that intense physical attraction I experienced with Edward, Rick and Laurent. And as much as Emmett and I deeply cared for one another and really wanted things between us to work, I felt we were both too young to settle for a relationship with virtually no lust. We talked about it and, surprisingly, he had come to the same conclusion, so we decided to stay friends. And he was the best damn friend I could have ever asked for.

The end of December meant finals, and we spent a lot of time studying. Even Seth suspended his dating activities to concentrate on his exams. Immediately after finals I flew out to New York City, and celebrated Christmas with my dad. Since it was just the two of us, as always, I seriously considered telling him that I was gay, but in the end decided that it was more important to tell my mom first. Dad would understand why I needed to wait. She, on the other hand, would be devastated if I didn't go to her first.

After Christmas I hung out with Peter and Marcus. I'd told Peter everything that had happened and he was sympathetic but also relieved.

"You did the right thing, Babe," he told me. "Being away from him will be good for you, you'll see. And it sounds like you have good friends to help you through it."

The Brits arrived on December 29, without H. Although I wouldn't have asked, Rick volunteered that he and H. had a huge row about where to spend the Christmas holidays and with whom. H. still refused to tell anyone of their relationship and Rick had finally reached his limit with keeping their love behind closed doors, so he walked out on H. for what he swore was the final time. Given what happened between us in London, I felt extremely awkward with us being the default pair next to Vince and Dré, Peter and Marcus and Greg and Viktor, but there was nothing to be done about the arrangements. I was still extremely attracted to him, but this was the exact wrong time for both of us to get involved with anyone, so we somehow struck an unspoken agreement that for the duration of his visit we would remain strictly platonic friends.

Viktor was everything that Greg had described. He was funny and easygoing and I could see that he fit in with the other guys well. He was very good looking, in a dark brooding way, and it was almost amusing to try to guess how many foreign tourists would stop us daily because they recognized him and wanted a picture or an autograph. But by far the best thing about him was the way he looked at Greg with so much love and admiration, like he was gazing at some Michelangelo masterpiece. As protective as I felt about Greg, knowing his insecurities, that alone made me Viktor's fan. To look at the two of them it was ridiculous, because knowing nothing about them you'd assume that Viktor had the upper hand, but for those in the know, it was clear that Viktor was the one far more smitten and Greg had the power in the relationship. Not that he ever abused it, since clearly he felt the same way about Viktor that Viktor felt about him. But still, it was good to see Greg in the driver's seat, especially since Viktor didn't seem to mind.

On New Year's Eve we decided to join the crowds in Times Square. There was something about the excitement of being there, amidst the sea of people, when the fuckin' ball dropped at midnight. The Brits said it was the equivalent of the changing of the guard at Buckingham Palace for us Yanks, and they wouldn't miss it for the world, no matter how touristy and trite. We had dinner with Peter and Marcus earlier, but they elected to spend the rest of the evening by themselves. Just as well, I thought, since I noticed that there was an undercurrent of tension between them and Peter didn't smile as much as he'd used to. Maybe a romantic evening together would be just what they needed to get the year off to a right start.

The rest of us ventured towards times square and, with Vince and Viktor forging the path through the crowd and the rest of us following in their wake, finally found a spot where we could watch the drop but be close enough to the periphery to make a quick getaway. I was having fun with the guys, yet a part of me was pissed off that I was spending yet another New Year's Eve without a boyfriend or even a date. Fucking Edward Cullen, I cursed mentally, imagining Edward out on the town in Seattle with at least one girl on his arm. He sure as hell wasn't alone on a night like this. Then again, it was my own damn fault for agreeing to live with him. If I had only been stronger and said no. Then you wouldn't have met Seth and Emmett, dumbass. Fuck! I guess my pathetic brain could still find a silver lining to every single Edward Cullen cloud.

I was lost in my self-pity when I felt it -- a sudden electricity moving through the crowd. A sense of anticipation and expectation. A few more seconds and the crowd started the countdown. 10.. . . 9. . .8. . . What the fuck do you care? It's not like anything will actually happen at midnight. . . 4 . . . 3. . . 2. .. 1. . .I felt someone grab the back of my neck and pull me forward and Rick' strong lips pressed against mine in a forceful, fiery kiss that lasted only seconds but set all my nerve endings ablaze. Moments later he was pulling away, looking at me with both laughter and awe in his eyes.

"Happy New Year, Jasper."

"Happy New Year, Rick."

"Come on, Guys, let's get out of here," Dré commanded and we all reversed the path we had taken earlier to leave the crowds behind and head to their hotel.

I had planned on dropping them off and then heading back to my dad's, but when Rick grabbed my hand and asked me to come up, following him seemed like the most natural thing in the world. As the other couples disappeared into their respective rooms, calling out good nights muffled by kisses, Rick pulled me to the room furthest down the hall and quickly swiped the card to unlock the door. We were barely inside with the door not even fully closed behind us when shoes and belts and clothes came flying off in a frenzy and we tumbled onto the bed, overheated bodies sliding against each other, arms wrapped around torsos, exploring the hot skin, legs intertwined, knees used for leverage to allow hips, pelvises and cocks to grind and rock, creating even more heat with the friction. I rolled us so that he was beneath me and slid down, leaving a trail of kisses down his chest and stomach until his shaft was in my hand and I was sucking his head into my wet, welcoming mouth. He groaned and lifted his ass off the bed to slip deeper in, then groaned again as I swirled my tongue around his delicious cock, eagerly tasting his precum. I started bobbing my head, taking more of him in each time. He lifted his arms above his head to grasp the headboard as his hips lifted and bucked into me.

Our rhythms increased spontaneously and simultaneously, and the room filled with a steady mantra of "yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah." A few more minutes of pumping and bobbing and Rick's cock was exploding in the back of my throat and I was swallowing his creamy new year's cocktail, as pleased as a cat with a full saucer of milk.

"Damn, Jasper, you give me a run for my blow job money, you Yankee ringer," Rick said later as we laid in bed, he on his back and I on my side tucked under his arm, drawing lazy circles on his chest with my left hand, occasionally cupping his pec or rubbing his nipple.

"I didn't realize we were in a competition," I said and turned my face up to look at him, Rick quickly swooping in for another passionate kiss.

"We're not," he said as he released my lips, "but I think it might be time to remind you who was the master of your domain back in the UK."

He turned to lie on his side so that his body was parallel to mine and slid down the bed until his face was even with my aching cock. Holding my hip with his free hand, he gently lapped at my head, than down my shaft to my balls, where he proceeded to lick and suck them until I thought I was going to explode. Just when I didn't think I could handle any more, he moved back up to my cock, trailing long licks up the side from base to head before swallowing my entire length down his wicked throat. I gasped and looked down to see him smirking up at me. With his hand restraining my hips, I could move very little, so it was all Rick setting the speed, frequency and duration of the dips of my cock into his mouth and throat. Soon I didn't care about control because I knew I could never execute a blow job plan as masterfully as Rick. My brain switched to pleasure only mode and I simply moaned each time I watched my dick disappear in his mouth until that final time before it started to shudder and it was Rick's turn to feast on jizz.

He crawled back up a few minutes later, wearing a self-satisfied grin.

"Not more than an hour into it and it's already been a happy new year," he announced. "I'm so glad that fucking platonic thing we were doing didn't extend past midnight."

We stayed in bed and talked. After discussing H. and Edward, we decided that we were both the dumbest gay SOBs on the face of the planet.

"I mean, we're not bad looking guys, just the opposite. I bet if we tried we could have anyone we wanted. But instead we attach ourselves to these emotional retards with one not ever wanting to tell his friends and family that he's gay and the other not even willing to consider the possibility that he might be gay. We need to leave these emotional fuckwits and find ourselves some fabulous guys who are already out and can handle a real relationship with another man. Let's make that our new year's resolution."

I didn't have to think long. The plan sounded like a winner.

"Sounds like a plan to me," I agreed.

Rick rolled over and got out of bed.

"Where are you going?" I called after him.

"Nowhere far," he answered and opened the room mini-bar, taking out a small bottle of chilled sparkling wine. He found the glasses, poured the liquid and brought the two glasses back to bed, handing one to me.

"To a happy new year and realized resolutions," he said, tipping his glass towards mine.

"To resolutions," I echoed and drank the sparkling wine. I handed the empty glass to Rick, who placed it on one of the bedside tables. I wanted to get up and get dressed so I could go back to my dad's apartment, but I was suddenly extremely tired, so I didn't protest when Rick pulled back the covers so he and I could settle in for the night together. I draped myself over his chest and fell asleep in moments.