Click here to read the Disclaimer and Warning.
Chapter 17: Revelations
"Double sixes again? Gah, Edward, if I had your luck we'd be done in half the time and all your pieces would still be on the board!" I protested, though I wasn't really serious.
"Oh, come on. I'm not that bad. It's not all luck." He pretended to be insulted.
It was a game we often played during our now routine nightly best out of three backgammon matches. Between my strategy and his good luck, our winning percentages were actually fairly even. But playing was never about winners and losers. It was just a way to carve out a bit of time for ourselves.
Not that anyone interfered with our time together during spring break. The campus was mostly deserted, as everyone who could fled Seattle for warmer, more raucous locales. I would have been perfectly happy to stay in the apartment and watch movies for the entire week, but Edward had other plans. Each morning I would wake up next to him, most often wrapped around him, having absolutely no idea what I'd be doing that day, but knowing that I'd have no chance to be bored. And while I generally enjoyed the activities he planned, when I was really honest with myself I admitted that my favorite times were those backgammon games before we went to sleep and waking up with Edward in my bed.
I was reasonably sure I no longer needed anyone to sleep with me, and I wondered how long it would take him to ask if he could return to his own room. But even though I knew the longer it continued the harder it would be on me when we stopped, I wasn't quite able to let him know he could leave. It was a bit masochistic, having his heady scent fill my nostrils first thing in the morning, soaking up his warmth and trying to extricate myself from some potentially dangerous situations nearly every single day. But the reward of having him there made it so worth it, I was willing to face almost any level of current and future pain and discomfort.
Of course, pain and discomfort was precisely what I felt at the end of each day as Edward ran me ragged with all his spring break plans. My ribs were still healing and he was cognizant of that, making sure to choose activities that in and of themselves were not too taxing, but the cumulative effect of having almost no downtime was a little much.
Having lived in Seattle for over 6 months and still not having really explored it, Edward had us doing typical tourist things like taking a harbor cruise and visiting pike place market, the space needle, the museum of flight and the aquarium. In between the various activities, we took advantage of the relatively mild weather and spent as much time as we could outdoors, especially on the waterfront.
One day, after we had just finished eating lunch at one of the waterfront food stands, Edward spotted a sketch artist, and asked what happened to the sketch I received from Laurent. I grimaced, this being the one dark spot in my escape from James.
"When I moved in with James, he took the sketch for his office at work. He said he wanted a reminder of who waited for him at home and that the sketch was better than any photograph. I'm sure by now he's destroyed it," I said, bitter and angry that I had allowed such a precious memento to be taken away from me.
Edward placed his hand on my shoulder in sympathy. "I'm sorry, Jas. For what it's worth, I really liked that sketch too. And I know it held a lot of sentimental value for you."
I shrugged. There was little point in dwelling on something that couldn't be changed, so I quickly moved the conversation to another topic, thankful that at least I had managed to hang onto Laurent's mini-painting. More than anything, I was touched by the fact that Edward remembered the sketch and that it meant enough to him to ask me about it. The loss of the sketch almost paled in comparison to the knowledge that he kept details like that about me in his thoughts.
The Friday of Spring Break, the last day before Seth and Emmett returned from their vacations, Edward insisted that we go to the mall to get some new clothes for spring term. I was reluctant, but I had no good reason not to go, so I tagged along as he updated his wardrobe and insisted on getting me a couple of new shirts as well, saying that all the clothes I owned were much too old for me. I couldn't really argue with him, since after moving in with James I had gotten rid of a lot of clothes he had deemed "too immature." Still, despite his best intentions, I couldn't help but feel a little uneasy about Edward buying me clothes. I drew the line at two shirts, explaining that my mom would undoubtedly take me shopping for more new stuff when I was home for Easter.
Saturday morning Edward was out of sorts. Because we had agreed to pick Em and Seth up at the airport, he hadn't made any other plans for the day so for once, instead of having to get up and go, we actually stayed in bed, talking. As usual, I'd moved away from him as soon as I woke up, so we weren't actually touching, but just lying there, under the covers together, felt incredibly intimate. It reminded me of countless sleepovers we'd had as little kids, when talking with him either late at night or early in the morning while tucked into our side by side sleeping bags was the best part of the experience.
"So are you looking forward to any classes this term?" he asked.
I wrinkled my nose. "Not really. The gen-ed classes are a joke. I can't wait to be done with those."
"Yeah, I know what you mean," he agreed. "I can't believe that for the second term in a row we don't have any classes together. That sucks!"
"Just worked out that way," I said, shrugging. "There are so many sessions of all those classes, and it's not like we were trying to coordinate during registration."
"Right. It's too bad. If this was Forks we'd just have to go to the school office and everything would be fixed."
"But we're not in Forks anymore, Edward," I reminded him, for some reason annoyed that he would bring up our past life. Back when he didn't know that I was gay, our life in Forks had seemed better than our life in Seattle. Now that everything was out in the open, I didn't want to think about the time when I was still in the closet. I felt our relationship had changed, and I didn't want to look backwards.
He sighed and looked away. "No, I guess we're not."
I was puzzled. His sigh seemed sad and a little wistful. I wondered if despite having accepted me, he still wished we could go back in time to when I was his straight best friend. The thought depressed me, and suddenly the bed seemed too small for the two of us. I needed to get away.
"Well, might as well get the day started," I said. "I'm gonna take a shower."
I grabbed my clothes and made my way to the bathroom, quickly going through my morning routine. I didn't know what to make of what happened this morning, and it disturbed me. I was glad Emmett and Seth were coming back so that I would have someone to talk to. Maybe having them here would help alleviate some of this onslaught of old feelings for Edward that returned with a vengeance once we started spending all our time together again.
I was surprised not to find Edward outside the bathroom when I exited. He wasn't in the common living space either. A quick look into his room confirmed it was empty as well. More puzzled than ever, I went back to my room, wondering if he had fallen back asleep or what else could possibly have caused him not to start his day. I found him at my desk, sitting with my laptop open, logged into the university's registration system.
"Um, Edward? What are you doing?" I asked, not understanding why he wouldn't be doing this in his room on his computer.
"I logged in and looked around and found some gen-ed sessions that would fit both of our schedules so I switched our registration so that we could take those together."
I frowned, not sure I had heard him correctly.
"You switched your classes to fit mine?" I asked, just to make sure.
"I switched my classes and your classes to sessions we could take together."
"What?" I shook my head, as if in denial of what I had just heard. "You switched my registration? How did you get into my account?"
"I know your ID number and you keep your password written down right by your laptop. Not very smart, but the way, you really shouldn't do that."
"Apparently not," I said, still not quite believing what I was hearing. "I guess it was pretty silly to consider the password safe here, within the confines of my room in my apartment. Edward, are you seriously telling me that you just went in and changed my class schedule without my permission?"
"Well, yeah," there wasn't even a hint of guilt or uncertainty in his voice, "We said we'd rather be together, right? So I found a way for us to take these classes together."
"Edward, I worked really hard on putting my schedule together. I had all my classes in the right sequence, on the right days, at the right times. I don't believe you just went in and changed it all. You have to change it back!"
His face darkened.
"But isn't being together more important that the time and sequence of your classes? I thought this was important to both of us. I guess I was wrong."
I sighed. Why did he always have to make things so personal. And why was I suddenly on the defensive? I wasn't the one who had violated his trust and privacy.
"You weren't wrong. I just wish you had asked me first. It would have been nice to have some input."
"Well," he said, "nothing's set in stone. Why don't you tell me which sessions you'd like to change and we can see if we can find something else that fits?"
We worked for over an hour to put together a schedule we were both relatively happy with. When we were done it was Edward's turn to shower and then, because it was too late for breakfast, we went out for lunch. After lunch we went to buy books we needed for the new term and then went grocery shopping, to stock up on breakfast staples and junk food that we might need once classes started. The whole thing should have felt nice, oddly domestic, but there was a slight tension between us and I couldn't figure out the source.
We went home, put away our purchases, and then it was time to head to the airport to pick up first Seth, and then Emmett, whose flight was due to arrive 30 minutes after Seth's. The first flight arrived on time and pretty soon we were greeting an even darker Seth, who came bounding into the luggage carousel area, obviously relaxed and refreshed, wearing light blue jeans with white hand prints painted onto the back pockets, a crisp white T-shirt and a black leather vest. We exchanged a hug and a quick peck and moved to the carousel to grab his luggage. As we waited for the suitcases to arrive, I noticed that Edward was standing silently, slightly off to the side, with a rather unhappy expression on his face.
"What did he shove up his ass today to give him such a sour puss?" Seth asked under his breath, smiling at Edward the whole time. "Or has he been like this the entire week?" he looked at me, concerned. I shook my head.
"No, he's been fine until now. We had a great time. In fact, he was fine up until a few minutes ago. I don't know what happened."
Seth's face lit up with a sudden epiphany. "I think I might know. Let me try something." He turned to me and reached up his hand to pull my head down to his, our lips meeting for another fleeting kiss. When we looked at Edward his frown had deepened.
"A-ha," Seth said triumphantly. "I love it when I'm right."
"Right? Right about what?" I asked, confused.
"I think Edward is more than a little jealous. He got used to having you all to himself and he doesn't like to share. Plus, of course, someone like me is always going to be a threat to someone like him."
I looked at Seth, wondering what kind of mind altering substances he'd ingested before boarding the plane.
"First of all, Edward has no reason to be jealous of me. Second, why would you be a threat to him?"
"Sugar, if you can't understand the jealousy thing we'll just have to wait to get those damn blinders of yours surgically removed. As for the threat, come on. I'm better looking, more experienced and more powerful than he is, and I can kiss you whenever I want." He reached up for my head again as if to demonstrate, but I leaned away to stop him. "Okay, maybe not the kissing thing," he conceded, "but the other three are still true."
I had to laugh at Seth's amazing self-confidence and ego, as much as the complete ridiculousness of his statement. I chalked it up to too much sun, and didn't address it again.
We pulled Seth's suitcases off the carousel and used the bit of extra time we had to drop them off at the car before returning to the terminal to wait for Emmett. Edward was still quiet and pensive, making me more than a little uncomfortable. Then Seth decided to needle him, and things got really tense.
"So," Seth asked Edward innocently, "I'm trying to figure out why it bothered you so much when I kissed Jasper?"
Edward gave him a scathing look.
"It bothered me because I care about my friend and his health and with you, well, no offence but one never knows where those lips have been."
I gasped in shock. I couldn't believe how rude he was being to one of my best friends. A best friend who had really been there for me through the worst times in my life.
"Edward, apologize!" I said, sounding outraged and a whole lot like my mom.
"Like hell I will. Why do I need to apologize for pointing out the obvious?"
I glared at him but Seth put a hand on my forearm to calm me.
"It's OK, Jasper." he said, and then, turning to Edward, continued. "Well, if I'm Kettle then you must be Mr. Pot. Very nice to meet you and the scores of skanks you've brought home with you since you arrived in Seattle.'
A deep flush spread from Edward's neck up his face. "That was months ago. I've changed," he said, looking towards me nervously.
Seth tilted his head and looked at him thoughtfully. "Yes. Yes you have, haven't you? Any particular reason for that change, Edward? Have you maybe found that special someone?"
I looked at Edward, surprised. If there was someone special, why hadn't he had her over to introduce her to me? Was I an embarrassment to him? At the moment, with the flush still dominating his face, he was the one that looked embarrassed.
"There's no particular reason, Seth," he hissed through clenched teeth. "Not that I owe you any explanations."
Seth looked like he was going to say something else, but just then we heard Emmett bellow "Hey guys, there you are," and the discussion was promptly dropped.
Seth turned around and yelped "Emmy!" before running straight for the arms of our oversized teddy bear of a friend. Emmett had just enough time to set down his carry on before Seth was jumping on him, legs wrapped around Emmett's waist and barely crossed at the ankles behind Em, arms almost too short to reach all the way around Emmett's neck. Seth covered Emmett's face with exuberant kisses as Emmett laughed delighted. Finally Seth stopped and rested his forehead against Em's.
"That's some welcome home," Em said. "I wasn't quite expecting that. Did you not have a good time on your vacation, Sweetie?"
Seth leaned back and arched an eyebrow. "Honey, I went to a place filled with beautiful college boys and even more beautiful locals. How could I possibly not have a good time? But I missed you, you big Oaf. I wish you had gone with us." He leaned forward again and rested his cheek against Emmett's, hugging him tightly. Em returned the embrace with equal force.
"I missed you too, you little diva." he said, gruffly. "Would you believe I went a whole week without seeing a single person in leather pants?"
"Now, that's just wrong!" Seth managed to sound both incredulous and outraged.
"I know," Emmett shook his head.
Seth leaned back and looked at Em, suddenly becoming serious. "You know, if you ever do find yourself a partner, he'd better fall in love with me too, because I'm not ever letting you go."
Emmett chuckled. "The same goes for you, Seth."
Seth rolled his eyes and I grinned, knowing the likelihood of Seth settling down was about as good as that of me finishing college on a football scholarship.
"Come on, you guys," I said, "I'm sure the luggage is off the plane by now. We'd better go get it before they toss what's left over into the lost and found."
Emmett set Seth down and grabbed his carry-on in his right hand. Seth took his left hand and they walked together to the luggage carousels.
"I thought these two were just friends," Edward said quietly as we followed behind Seth and Em.
"They are," I confirmed.
"Then what's with Seth being all over Emmett like that. I mean, does he do that with everybody?"
I shrugged. "In case you hadn't noticed, Seth has a flair for the dramatic. It's just the way he is. He can tone it down if he wants to or needs to, but he's clearly missed Emmett and wanted to show him just how much."
"Didn't he care that practically every person in the terminal was watching that display?"
"Were they?" I didn't mean to sound flip, but I honestly hadn't seen anything. I was focused on Em and Seth as well.
"Yeah. He's so embarrassing. How can you stand it? I hope you're not expecting to make a habit of all 4 of us hanging out together in public."
I stopped abruptly. I didn't like the tone of this conversation at all.
"You're being an asshole. These are my friends and they have both been very good to me. I'm sorry you're embarrassed to be seen with them. I certainly am not. But if being seen with the three of us publicly bothers you so much, if all that is just too damn queer for you, you certainly don't have to do it."
I was angry. I thought about the years I spent with him and his friends or him and Bella, tolerating shit without any complaints regardless of how I felt because I knew he wanted me to be there. And now that it came time to do the same for me, he was going to be like this? Was I going to have to spend the rest of my life making choices between my best friend and all my other friends?
Seth and Emmett noticed we'd stopped following them and stopped as well.
"Jasper, is everything all right?" Emmett called back, clearly concerned. I looked up and put a fake smile on my face.
"Yeah, Em. Everything's fine. I just remembered something about one of my classes for Monday. Let's keep going."
I strode to catch up with Em and Seth. Taking the carry-on out of Em's hand and placing it in mine, I linked my left hand with his right and the three of us walked to the carousel together. I didn't even look back to see if Edward was following.
After we got Em's luggage I finally had a chance to give him a proper hug and then we made our way to the car and back to the apartment. On the way home everyone was subdued. Emmett filled us in on everything he did over break and I told him and Seth what Edward and I had been up to, but Edward remained silent and I was sure Seth and Em were keenly aware of the tension between us. When we pulled into the parking lot in front of our building, Emmett went to take out luggage from the trunk, but Seth pulled me aside.
"Was it the stuff I said to him at the airport? Is that why Edward's so pissed? I'm sorry, Jasper. I mean, I don't care if he's mad at me, but I didn't realize that he'd take it out on you as well."
"Don't worry about it, Seth," I said as I leaned down to give him a hug. "Being alone with him last week made me forget how much of a jackass he can be. I guess I was just too optimistic and naive to think the four of us could all be friends, that I wouldn't have to choose."
Seth wrapped his arm around me tighter. "You can't always make all you friends like each other, Jasper. Life is full of choices. You'll just have to make room in your life for the different groups, like the rest of us do. You don't see Em going with me to the clubs, do you?"
I sighed. He was, of course, right. But after James, I had hoped not to have to be in a position where I needed to make these kinds of choices. At least not right away.
Edward and I helped Em and Seth with their luggage and dropped them off at their place. I explained that I'd be back shortly and then asked Edward to come with me to our apartment.
"Obviously I haven't seen either Em or Seth in a week, so I'm going to hang out with them tonight," I told him. "You don't have to wait up for me. If we're out too late I just might crash at their place. But maybe we can go out to brunch tomorrow?"
"I take it I'm not invited?" He was downright surly.
"Well, you're clearly not in the mood for company. And we are probably going to go out to grab something to eat, probably to Mario's, which I know you don't like, and Seth will probably do something that would embarrass you, so it's just not the greatest idea for you to join us. Why make everyone miserable when we can have a perfectly nice evening apart? You and I can do something together tomorrow."
"I'll stay behind if that's what you want," he said, his tone a bit more conciliatory, "but I'd like to go out with you guys. I should get to know Seth and Emmett."
"Edward, they've just come back from break. I'm sure they just want to relax and be themselves, and that makes you uncomfortable. There's no need to torture yourself."
He finally gave up and told me he'd see me tomorrow.
Em, Seth and I did end up at Mario's for dinner, and then came back to the apartment and just talked for a while. It was almost midnight when I made my way back to our apartment, not really sure what I would find. It was quiet and the lights were off, except for the hallway light, which Edward had left on for me. I washed up for bed and went to my room, changing into my sleep pants and t-shirt in the dark. I slipped into bed, thinking how odd it would be to sleep alone for the first time in weeks, but I guess I wasn't due to find out yet. Edward was already sleeping on his usual side. I smiled and slid up close to him, wrapping my arm around him the way we usually did at night. He didn't wake, but his body shifted back to be even closer to mine. I grinned and then, in a moment of pure spontaneity. placed a gentle kiss on the side of his neck.
"I love you, Edward," I said softly so that even if he were awake he couldn't have heard. Then I closed my eyes and fell asleep.
Edward and I spent Sunday and the rest of the week concentrating on our new classes. Thanks to the new revised schedule, our final lecture Friday ended at 11:00 so we were able to get an early start on our trip home to Forks for Easter. On the way there I explained how it had been my plan to use this opportunity to tell my family I was gay, but coming right on the heels of my horrible relationship with James, I wasn't sure I was really ready for all the questions that would usually follow such an announcement. If someone asked about my relationships, I would have to lie. There was no way I could tell Mom & Jerry that I'd been involved in a relationship with an abusive older man. Mom would lock me in the basement and never let me out of Forks again.
Edward didn't try to convince me one way or another. He said I had to do what was right for me. He did offer to be there with me for support if I decided to tell them. I appreciated the thought, though as protective as he was of me, I was a little concerned about what would happen if Jerry's reaction to my announcement would be similar to Edward's initial reaction. The last thing I needed to deal with was animosity between my step-father and my best friend.
Edward dropped me off at my house and left for his home. This would be the first night we'd spend apart in two weeks, and it felt very strange to watch him drive away. We did promise to call each other nightly, though, until it was time for him to pick me up Sunday afternoon for the drive back to school.
Seeing my family again was great. Mom had prepared a meal consisting of all my favorites and afterwards we all watched an animated movie selected by my sister. No mention was made of the disappearing act I'd pulled in the spring, and I was almost ready to breathe a sigh of relief on the whole subject when my mom announced that she wanted to take me out to breakfast Saturday morning, just the two of us. Without any good reasons to refuse, I had to accept her invitation.
Saturday morning the alarm woke me just in time to get ready for breakfast. I was nervous about mom's reason for wanting to have this time alone with me. I suspected she would ask me about the weeks when I was completely out of touch, and I had absolutely no idea what to tell her. Edward and I spoke about it extensively late into Friday night, trying to come up with a plausible cover story, but even the two of our brains combined couldn't spin a tale believable enough. Towards the end of our conversation Edward gently suggested that perhaps I shouldn't have changed my mind and maybe coming out to my family this weekend was the right thing to do after all, but I really did not believe that to be the case. Coming out would just lead to questions, questions I wasn't ready to answer right now. I needed time to make peace with myself over what happened with James and to close the book on that chapter of my life. Until that was done, I couldn't face the scrutiny that would undoubtedly come with the announcement that I was gay.
After I was dressed and ready, I slowly made my way downstairs. I couldn't help my reluctance, feeling like I was heading towards my last meal. In theory, I should have been able to tell my mother anything -- that's what she stressed to me throughout my life. In practice, there were some things you just never wanted to discuss with your mom. Your choice of sexual partners was one of those things. The fact that you let one of those partners control you to the point where you were scared to contact your own mother was another. This breakfast conversation was not going to be easy.
Mom was waiting for me downstairs, smartly dressed in a long, flowing turquoise skirt and a billowy white blouse. It was a cheerful outfit, perfect for the south, but a little out of place in the perpetually rainy town of Forks. Mom never did learn how to dress for the pacific northwest, and her colorful outfits made her really stand out at every social occasion. While I loved that about her, it also made it impossible for anyone with her to blend into the crowd, and today of all days I did not need all eyes to be on us.
"So where are we going?" I asked, hoping against hope that it would be some out of the way hole in the wall with few patrons.
Mom smiled, undoubtedly sensing my discomfort.
"I thought we'd go to the diner in Port Angeles. That's your favorite for breakfast, isn't it? It'll give us time to talk in the car on the way there and back."
I released the breath I'd been holding. Time alone in the car to talk was good. In the car it was just me and her, no witnesses, no one to get curious about what we were talking about. Plus, she couldn't look at me too closely while she was driving, which would make it a little easier to lie if I felt that was what I needed to do.
"Great idea, mom," I said, not adding that it would have been an even better idea to skip the breakfast altogether.
We got in the car and at first the conversation was very general. Mom asked about the term that had just ended and about the classes I was taking spring term. She filled me in a little on what had been going on at Forks since Christmas which, not surprisingly, was not all that much. After about 15 minutes of this she finally go to the point.
"So are you ready to tell me yet why you disappeared this winter and wouldn't return my calls? Did I do something wrong. Hover too much?"
I sighed. Nice move, mom! She knew very well that my failure to call or take her calls had absolutely nothing to do with her, but by playing the guilt card she was going to force me to tell her what happened. Well, I wasn't her son for nothing. I too could play this game.
"Come on, mom. I've been busy with classes and going out and stuff and I'm a guy, I forget stuff. Besides, I'm too old to always be calling home. And really, my life is boring, there's just not that much to talk about."
Mom shot me a quick glance and I knew I was busted.
"Really, son? Not that much to talk about?"
knowing there was no way around it now, I still tried to obfuscate the truth.
"All right. I was a little busy this winter with a new relationship," I admitted.
"And?" My mom was relentless.
"And what?" I asked obstinately. I did not want to volunteer information. As it was I was trying to think of ways I could come up with enough half-truths to flesh out the imaginary girlfriend I would have to talk about if she pressed much more.
"And were you ever going to tell me about him? He was obviously very important to you if he could distract you so much he made you forget Edward and your family."
"He was pretty important, or at least I thought so in the beginning, but that turned out to be a mistake . . . " suddenly my jaw dropped as I realized what we had just said. I looked at mom in surprise. She knew? How long had she known? And did my own mother really just trick me to get me to come out of the closet? I closed my mouth. Mom was alternating between watching the road and throwing worried glances my way. I turned away from her and faced forward, staring at the road ahead. The proverbial cat was out of the bag now and there was no way to stuff him back inside.
"How long have you known?" I asked her, turning to look at her again.
She took a deep breath.
"A while. I don't remember anymore when the thought turned from speculation to certainty, but it was a while ago. Maybe in your freshman year of high school?"
That long? that would mean that she knew before even I did. Or, at least, before I was ready to admit it to myself.
"But how? I mean, was I that obvious?" Terror struck me anew. It seemed other people had always been able to tell that I was gay. Did the entire population of Forks know and were just keeping up the charade until I was ready to finally be open about my sexuality?
"No, Jasper, you weren't that obvious. In fact, you hid it very well. That's partly why I never said anything -- on the off chance that I was wrong. If I was wrong and you were straight, I didn't want to traumatize you by implying otherwise."
"OK," I paused, puzzled, "so why did you do it today, like this? Did you think if I was straight I wouldn't notice or that I would no longer be traumatized?"
She had the grace to be embarrassed.
"I guess maybe a little bit of both. Plus I was even more sure that I was right."
"Oh? How so?"
"Well, I kept calling Edward and he never said anything about a girl, which I'm sure he would have if that's what it was. I mean, why keep something like that a secret? And yet I knew there had to be some other person involved because I could tell he really didn't know where you were or how to reach you. Finally he gave me some random number but until you called me back from that number I wasn't even sure it was yours, since you never recorded a voice mail greeting. The whole thing just felt off."
I looked away from her again and started chewing on my lower lip. God, it sucked being dragged from the closet by your own mother. I wanted to have made the decision as to the timing of this on my own.
"I was going to tell you this weekend, but then I changed my mind. I wasn't sure I was ready." I didn't know why I was telling her this. Was I trying to score brownie points for good intentions?
"Well, baby, we don't have to tell anyone else yet. I can keep a secret if you need me to. Does your father know?"
I shook my head.
"I figured you'd be mad if I didn't tell you first," I admitted.
She laughed. "Thank you, Jasper. I think you were probably right."
We were silent for a few moments before she started speaking again.
"So, do you want to talk about it? I love you, son, and I'm here for you. And I would hope by now it's obvious, but just to make it clear, I really don't care what gender of people you love, just as long as you're happy."
"So you don't care that I'm gay?" Wow! It was such a relief just to be able to say those words to her.
"Of course not. You're my first born. My beautiful baby boy. From the moment you looked at me with those trusting blue eyes I gave my heart to you totally and completely and nothing will ever change that."
"Aw, mom," I complained, but the tears that escaped the corners of my eyes were of happiness, not embarrassment. "Thank you," I said sincerely. "You have to know how much that means to me."
"I know, Jasper. I understand. I'd like to think that I never gave you any reason to doubt that I would feel that way, but I know even if I haven't, the world is a cruel place and there are people out there who do not deserve to be parents who make it very difficult for the rest of us sometimes."
"What about Jerry?" I asked. "Does he know?"
She frowned a little.
"I haven't said anything to him. There wouldn't have been any point if I was wrong. And like I said before, it's up to you if you want to wait to tell him. I can keep a secret."
"Do you think he'll be as fine with it as you are?"
She took a deep breath.
"I hope so. Jerry is a little more conservative, but he loves you as if you were his own."
I looked at her skeptically. I know she always wanted to believe that, but I knew better. Jerry liked me, he was kind to me, he was fair to me, but there was no doubt in my mind that he loved my little sister more. And under normal circumstances that was absolutely fine with me. I had a father whom I loved more than I loved Jerry, which didn't mean that I didn't love and respect Jerry, just that he wasn't at the top of the priority list.
"Look, even if he's a little less enthusiastic," her choice of words nearly made me giggle -- I pictured Jerry in a cheerleader uniform standing at the sidelines, clapping half-heartedly. "I'll work on it. It just might take a little longer for him to get completely on board."
Mom was hedging. She probably already knew that Jerry would be a tougher nut to crack. I found that I didn't care as much, though. Especially since mom made it so easy not to tell him. But then, was it fair to her to make her keep such a huge secret from her husband just to make myself a little more comfortable? I sighed. I didn't have to make any decisions right now. I found myself really wanting to talk with Edward about this one. He might give me a better insight on what kind of a reaction I could expect from Jerry.
"Jasper, I don't mean to pry, so if you don't want to tell me anything you don't have to, but just tell me that you're being smart. And safe?"
I flushed. It was such a mom question, and she'd be able to tell I couldn't quite answer it in the affirmative.
"Well, it's a little embarrassing to talk about this with your mother, but what do you want to know? I haven't been with that many guys."
"Was Peter your first boyfriend?" she asked perceptively.
"I wouldn't exactly call him a boyfriend . . ." we kept talking all the way to the diner. Mom had always been cool to talk to about some stuff, though I never would have expected this to be one of them. Skipping all the details helped keep the embarrassment level down to the minimum. I just explained how much meeting Peter helped me and then talked about Emmett and Seth.
"So what happened between you and Edward?" She asked just as we were pulling into the parking lot of the diner. "Did you two break up before or after you met this new boy?"
I looked at her in shock.
"What are you talking about, mom? Edward and I have never been anything more than friends. Edward is straight, you know that. You knew he dated Bella and all those other girls."
My mom's face turned a vivid crimson, so much like my own when I was absolutely mortified.
"I thought the girls were just a front, for his friends and parents. I mean, you boys have always been so close, spent all your time together. I just assumed . . . I mean Edward fought like a lion to get the two of you into that apartment together. I never would have agreed except I thought it really wasn't fair to force you two apart with him living off campus and you living on campus with another male roommate. I knew that would have driven Edward insane. He was always so needy of you."
I stared at my mom as if she'd just grown a third head. How could this woman, this clearly very perceptive woman, not realize that there was never anything even resembling romantic love between Edward and me? We loved each other as friends, yes, even brothers, but Edward had no romantic interest in anyone with my anatomy. He'd made that abundantly clear any time I'd brought up the subject. It was hard enough for him to accept my preferences. He would absolutely never share them.
I sighed.
"We'd better go in," I said. "I'll tell you what happened with Edward."
We deliberately asked to be seated at a booth furthest away from other patrons and talked about other things as we placed our orders and waited for our food to arrive, not wanting to be interrupted or overheard at a crucial moment. Only after our orders were delivered did I start to explain Edward's extreme negative reaction when I told him I was gay and my subsequent decision to move in with Seth and Emmett. My mom was clearly appalled. I could see fury twinkling in her eyes.
"I can't believe it. That stupid, stupid boy! I want to wring his neck with my bare hands. How dare he, after everything you've done for him since the day you met him, how dare he make you feel like that?"
"Mom," I placed my hand over hers in an effort to calm her. "It's okay. That was back in November. He's changed. He's fine with it now. We're back to being friends."
My mom huffed. She was clearly still upset.
"It was a lot for him to take" I offered. "I always knew he was a homophobe, mom, and he didn't have as much time as you did to get used to the idea that I wasn't straight."
"A homophobe? What the hell did he have to be afraid of? It's not like anyone in this Podunk town ever met anyone who was gay, or would recognize them if they did unless the person wore a huge sign or borrowed their wardrobe from Elton John or Liberace. Who the hell taught him to hate like that? Oh, wait, you don't have to tell me. It was that G-damn father of his. I swear that man is so full of bile and vitriol I sometimes wonder how he has any room left for that enormous ego and all that narcissism. And of course he passed all those qualities on to his son.
"I suppose it would have been too much to hope that his mother was any sort of an influence on Edward, with that asshole Carlisle around. Men like him, they scorch and burn everything in their path that doesn't conform to their sick and twisted view of the world. I always wondered why a sweet woman like Esme stayed married to a jerk like him, but she must have had her reasons.
"You know, baby, there were so many times in your life when I just wanted to snatch you away from Edward Cullen. But you seemed so happy when you were with him and even though I watched him like a hawk, for the most part he always treated you well, so I let it go. If I only knew then what I know now."
"Mom," I had to get her to change her mind. I couldn't have her hating Edward. I had to give her someone else to focus her resentment on, and I knew the perfect person. "You don't need to be mad at him, really. Living with Seth and Em was good for me. And then I moved in with James. But when things went sideways with James, Edward really stepped up and was totally there for me, just like he'd always been. You know how overprotective he gets. Almost like you." I gave her a small smile, which she couldn't help but return. She knew I was right.
"All right, baby. Tell me about this James. Why did Edward need to get overprotective?"
I thought about the question, trying to figure out how to tell her the truth, but not the whole truth, skirting the abuse which she really was better off not knowing about. I told her that at first James was exciting and I loved how he wanted me to spend all my time with him, but that eventually I started feeling smothered and his jealousy and possessiveness became overwhelming and I decided I had to leave him. When Edward found out I was moving back into the building he insisted that I move back into my old room and we talked and worked things out, and then he stood by him as I finally told James 'no' when he came around begging me to return. It was a tame and stripped down version of the story, but all of it was technically true. And mom seemed somewhat mollified.
"Well, it took him long enough, but I suppose eventually he came to his senses. And it's good that you broke it off with that James, baby. That whole thing sounded very serious. Those kinds of situations can get much worse if you don't nip them in the bud. They can even get abusive."
I almost snorted. If she only knew. But she didn't know and it was better that way.
"So you and Edward, there's nothing . . . ?"
"No, mom," I shook my head. "We're just really good friends."
"And you're OK with that?"
I narrowed my eyes. Now we were getting to the crux of the issue. Should I or should I not tell her the truth about my feelings for Edward? I decided it made no sense to lie.
"I have to be, mom. There's nothing I can do about it. But I've accepted it. As you can tell, I'm not sitting home pining for him. I've dated. Granted, I made a wrong choice the last time I decided to have a more serious relationship, but that's normal, right? You have to make some mistakes. The one mistake I'm not making is hoping that Edward will suddenly become gay and we'll live happily ever after."
"And he's all right with you dating while the two of you are living together? He's fine with you bringing other boys home?" mom didn't sound convinced.
I looked away. Edward and I haven't exactly discussed this yet, but I had to believe he would understand. He brought girls home, hadn't he? Well, not lately, but I assumed that was because I was still recovering and he was too busy taking care of me to cruise for chicks. But I knew eventually he would start dating again and that, for the most part, was fine with me. As long as we were relatively discrete and kept our activities confined to our respective rooms.
"I'm sure he will be. mom. He really has been very understanding about Em and Seth and when the time comes I'm sure he will be understanding about other friends and boyfriends as well. And if it turns out to be a problem, if he can't handle it for some reason, then I'll move out again.
"Please, mom, you don't have to worry about me. I'm doing all right. I promise, from now on I'll do a better job of calling you, so you'll know I'm OK. But otherwise you have to let me go. It's a big world out there and I have to figure out how to stand on my own two feet, right?"
She looked at me and her eyes filled with tears. She grabbed my hand.
"It's so hard not to still see you as my little boy," she said. "But you have grown into a handsome and smart young man. You have a good head on your shoulders and I trust you to make the right decisions and to know when you need to come to me for help.
We finished eating and then, just as I predicted, mom insisted on taking me shopping, before we returned to Forks. I knew Edward had plans to get together with Tyler, Eric and the rest of the guys, and I really didn't feel like going along, plus my sister really had missed me and pouted at the mere mention of my leaving, so I spent the rest of the day and evening hanging out with my family. Edward finally texted close to 11:00 p.m. and I called him to talk about what happened at breakfast and to ask how to handle the Jerry situation.
"Wow," he said. "Your mom's really known that long?"
"Well, she suspected, but yeah. Kind of embarrassing. I haven't even known that long."
"I suppose mothers know their children, but still."
"Yeah. So what should I do about Jerry?"
"I really don't know. What if you told him tomorrow afternoon. Then if he takes it badly, it'd be time for us to leave for school anyway."
I considered this. It wasn't the worst idea. We'd be done with our festive brunch and my sister would undoubtedly be playing with her new toys, so we could safely talk out of her earshot.
"Yeah, I guess that would work. It would be easier to flee, anyway. Are you still willing to be here for that?" I asked, thinking it would really be nice to have some moral support beside my mom.
"Of course," he confirmed. "Is 3:00 OK?"
"Yeah. That sounds good. . ." my voice trailed off. I was glad he would be there, but I was still concerned. What if Jerry freaked out? I didn't want to cause problems between him and my mom.
"You're nervous," it was a statement, and an accurate one.
"Yup," I hesitated. "Remember when we graduated? Those stupid, overpriced printed announcements? They should make those for guys like me. "It is my pleasure to inform you that I, Jasper Whitlock, will be emerging out of the straight closet and will begin to live my life as out and proud homosexual on Monday, April . . ."
Edward was laughing in the background and I couldn't help it, I started laughing too.
"You know," he managed to get out between guffaws, "That's not a terrible idea. You could start your own business."
"Ha, ha, Edward. Very funny."
"Well, OK, maybe that's a little much. But you're right. It would be much easier to send everyone a pre-printed announcement and not have to see the reaction. Still, that wouldn't help you in this situation. I don't think your mom would handle it very well if you sent Jerry an announcement."
"No, I suppose not," I said. "So it looks like I have no choice. Tomorrow it is."
"It'll be all right, Jasper," he said, suddenly serious. "You'll have your mom and me there to help, and even if he doesn't get it right away, eventually he'll come around, just like I did. He loves you and that's what people who love you do. They come around."
I celebrated Easter with my family the way we always did. First church, then an Easter egg hunt at home for my sister, then brunch prepared by my mom who, for some unknown reason, preferred cooking over going out. After we finished brunch we could generally change out of our Easter Sunday best clothes and relax. This year I was on pins and needles and couldn't wait for brunch to be over. I told mom earlier in the day that I planned to speak with Jerry right before I went back to school, so all day she had sent me glances that were meant to calm and re-assure, but only succeeded in putting me more on edge. the worst part was wearing a suit. It was the first time I'd done so in weeks, and no matter how much I tried I couldn't help being reminded of James. When we finally finished eating and I'd helped my mom gather up the dishes and load the dishwasher, I ran upstairs and was never so glad to change clothing in my entire life, deliberately choosing an ensemble that would have given James an absolute fit.
I still had a little bit of time before Edward was scheduled to arrive, so I played with my sister for a while before heading back to my room to pack up my stuff. After packing I brought my bags down and placed them in a foyer, ready for a quick get-away just in case that's what was needed. Edward rang the doorbell promptly at 3:00, and I let him in gratefully, eagerly stepping into his comforting hug and lapping up his re-assurances that everything would be fine. We went to the kitchen together where my mom was already waiting for us. She was the picture of calm in her lovely flower-patterned pastel dress, only the slight tension lines around her eyes betraying her carefully sculpted demeanor.
Mom greeted Edward politely, probably more warmly than she would have if he hadn't insisted on being here for my support, but not enthusiastically. Fortunately, as she mentioned during breakfast the previous day, she had never been particularly enthusiastic about Edward, so he had no reason to suspect a change in her attitude. After giving me one last hug and a kiss on the forehead, which I had to lean down to receive, she grabbed my hand and led me to the family room where Jerry was watching a gold tournament, Edward following closely behind.
"Jerry, dear, would you turn off the television for a moment? Jasper has something he'd like to share with you."
Jerry looked over at the three of us, surprised, but he didn't protest, reaching for the remote and turning the TV set off. Mom went to sit by him on the sofa while I sat in the oversized arm chair and Edward remained standing in the entryway to the room, there for support but on the periphery of our family.
"All right," Jerry said after we were settled in, "what is it?"
"Go on, dear," mom encouraged when I hesitated. I took a deep breath, wondering why this was so hard and how much harder it would be to do this with my own father.
"Well, Jerry, um," This was definitely not going smoothly, "This really isn't a big deal, but I thought you should know something about me that I found out a while ago."
Jerry looked from me to my mom, clearly having no clue what to expect.
"What is it, Son? Are you sick?"
I flinched a little when I heard him call me son, though this certainly wasn't the first time he'd ever done it. It reminded me that while I may not have been his biological child, mom was right that he had fairly deep feelings for me. I just hoped those feelings weren't about to change.
"No," I shook my head. "I'm definitely not sick. Just a little different."
I saw Jerry's eyebrow shoot up in question. The fat was in the fire now. I had to keep going.
"I'm gay, Jerry," I said, and looked to him for his reaction. His face may have paled a little.
"Gay?" he asked. "As in . . . "
"As in I like boys, not girls," I interjected.
"I was going to say Nathan Lane," Jerry said. The room fell silent for a minute. Jerry turned to my mom. "I take it by the complete lack of surprise that you already knew?"
Mom nodded and reached over to take his hand. "Jasper and I spoke about it at breakfast yesterday," she confirmed. She didn't mention that she'd suspected for years.
"All right," Jerry said again, clearly uncomfortable. "Is that it?"
I nodded. I didn't know what else to say.
"Does everyone else know? Your father. . . ?"
"No," I shook my head. "I wanted to tell mom first. I will tell him when I go to New York this summer. There aren't many people who know other than some close friends."
"And what about you?" Jerry turned to Edward. "Are you the boyfriend? Is that why you two insisted on living together at school this year?"
I gasped. "No, Jerry. Edward is just a friend. He's just here for moral support. He's not gay."
Jerry looked at Edward skeptically.
"Lucky for you, I imagine," he said. "I can't think your father would be too pleased with his only son being queer."
My mom gasped and I turned to look at Jerry in shock. Up until that moment I'd thought he was taking the news rather well.
"I'm sorry," Jerry said immediately upon hearing my mom's outraged gasp, the apology clearly more for her benefit than mine. "That was very inappropriate."
"Extremely," My mom agreed, standing up and walking over to me, placing a hand on my shoulder. I felt like a cub being protected by the lioness. "I'm surprised at you, Jerry," she said, her voice filled with disappointment and disapproval. "I would have thought someone in your position could at least control the type of language you use, if not your thoughts."
Jerry looked to us, clearly cognizant that if battle lines were being drawn, my mom had selected her side. He looked to Edward again, then back to mom and me. He stood up and walked over to us. I didn't know if it was conscious or not, but my mom automatically stepped forward, placing herself between him and me. I stood up as well. At 6'3" I had about
Apparently we had all been worried prematurely. Jerry stepped up to me and opened his arms. I only hesitated a moment before stepping into his embrace. Jerry was never particularly affectionate, so this felt a little awkward. Nevertheless, I appreciated the gesture.
"I won't pretend to understand, Jasper," he said after we broke apart. "And I confess it makes me very uncomfortable to think of you with another man. And I don't know how I feel about you bringing your... boyfriends home with you while your sister is still so young. And I can't guarantee that I won't in the future say something as stupid as what I'd said just now. But you are my son and I love you and I know this isn't a choice for you. I appreciate you letting me know, before telling your father, even."
I hung my head. I did feel a little guilty about that, but somehow I knew my dad would understand.
Now that Jerry's intentions were clear, mom moved to his side and let him wrap his arm around her waist, pulling her close to him.
"What now?" Jerry asked. "Do others in Forks know?"
"No," I shook my head, "And I don't really plan on telling anyone. I don't want to hide who I am, but I don't need to make any public announcements, either. Edward is the only other person who knows. Unless you told anyone?" I asked, directing the question to Edward.
"Of course not," he said.
"Well, Honey," my mom said. "I think you have the right to privacy, so I don't think we need to tell anyone. But if someone says anything derogatory about gays in front of me in the future, I don't plan on just quietly listening. Unless you'd feel uncomfortable if I mentioned you were gay in that context?"
I looked at her in surprise. Suddenly my mom was turning into a gay rights crusader? I had to smile.
"No, mom, of course not. I'm not trying to hide and you have an much right to tell people about me as I do. I hope the situation you mentioned doesn't actually come up, but I'd have no problem with you telling people I was gay."
"So," I said to Jerry, who still looked a little shell-shocked. "Are we OK?"
"Yes, of course," he ran his hand nervously through his hair, resting it on the back of his neck. "It might take a little for me to get used to it. I hope you understand."
"Sure, Jerry. I'm sure this is a shock."
"Here," Edward said as he stepped forward, pulling something out of his back pocket and thrusting it at Jerry. "I brought some pamphlets. They might help."
Mom and I looked at him in shock. Edward thought enough to bring literature? Where the fuck did he get that stuff?
"There's one in there about talking to younger kids," Edward said quietly.
Jerry took the pamphlets and leafed through them. "Thank you. That was very thoughtful," he said, sounding as surprised as mom and I looked.
"Yes," mom echoed, "Very thoughtful, Edward." She pulled him into a hug, a much more affectionate hug than she could have managed earlier in the day. Edward gave me an uneasy smile over her shoulder, which I returned with a full and grateful smile of my own.
"I'm not sure if your sister is ready . . ." Jerry said to me, hesitating.
"We don't have to tell her anything today or any time soon. We'll talk about it and figure out when and how to do it so that it's best for her," I assured him. I needed him to know I cared just as much about her as he did.
"Okay, then," I said, noting that it was getting close to the time for Edward and I to leave. "Hate to drop a bomb and run, but Edward and I need to get on the road. Thanks for everything mom, Jerry."
We exchanged hugs again, and then Edward and I were loading my stuff into the car, along with a bunch of Easter leftovers mom packed for me in a disposable Styrofoam cooler. My mom went to get my sister and I said goodbye to her as well, and then we were on the road, speeding away from Forks and families and back to our apartment in Seattle.
On the way home we talked about how well Jerry took the news and I thanked Edward for being there and going a step beyond to bring the pamphlets. He dismissed it, saying it was the least he could do considering his own reaction. We fell silent, then, though it was a much more comfortable silence than that during our last trip back to school. I couldn't help but wonder what would happen when we got back to Seattle. We'd spent the last two nights apart and there was no longer any reason to sleep together. I found myself a bit melancholy at the thought of sleeping alone in my bed for the first time since I'd moved out all those months ago. But I was feeling better and Edward had put his life on hold for me long enough. It was time for me to let him go.
Back in Seattle, we walked into the apartment together. We dealt with the food first, Esme contributing a cooler's worth as well, and then headed to our respective rooms to unpack. I was nearly done putting my clothes away when Edward poked his head into my room.
"Jasper, I need to talk to you," he said, handing me a bottle of beer and motioning for me to follow him.
"Sure," I replied and warily followed him to the living area. He sounded so serious.
We settled in on the couch and each took a drink of our beer.
"It was so weird to be home," he said.
"Yeah," I agreed. "Especially for me. I kept thinking how close I came to never going home again if I'd stayed with . . ." I didn't want to finish. I didn't want to invite the monster back into my life, even by reference. "And then my mom's ambush. So unexpected! Yeah, you can definitely say that again. In fact, weird doesn't even begin to describe it. It was downright bizarre."
"You know, for me it didn't feel like home anymore," he mused. "It kind of felt like a charade. My fucking parents and I all acting out our respective roles. When I lived there it all seemed so normal, but now it felt artificial somehow. A lot of things have changed for me this year."
I looked at him curiously. This was an introspective side of Edward that I was still trying to get used to.
"Yeah? Like what?"
"I don't know. All the things that seemed important when we lived in Forks, having everyone do what I wanted them to and following me, they seem really stupid now. Getting together with all the guys Saturday was painful – I didn't want to be there with them, wasting my time doing all the same stupid stuff we used to do when we were in high school."
"What did you want to do instead?"
He took a long pull on his beer and didn't answer for a while. When he responded, it was so quiet I barely heard him.
"I wanted to be here, with you."
My breath caught and I had nothing to say. Of course, I'd felt that same way the whole weekend. I had become so used to being around him most of the time even those few days apart had taken their toll. I would have never imagined, however, that he would feel this way, much less communicate those feelings to me. I took a swallow of my beer.
"I know it's stupid, Jas. It was only a long weekend and I knew we'd be back here soon, but I missed you. There's something about being in this apartment with you – if feels like home. You get me in a way no one else does. I don't have to pretend here. Not anymore."
I swallowed some more beer. I felt like I should say something, but nothing seemed appropriate. I still wasn't clear on what exactly he was trying to say, and I worried that if what I said was somehow wrong, it would stop him from talking. And I really wanted him to keep talking.
He turned towards me, bending one leg and resting it on the couch with his foot hooked behind the knee of the other.
"Look, I know I was a complete insensitive bastard when we first got here, shoving all those girls in your face, asking you to . . . And then when you came out, when I forced you out, I was even worse. And I can't help but feel that maybe if I had reacted differently, if I had been less self-absorbed, if I had just been willing to listen, to keep an open mind, maybe you would have never called that bastard and things would be so different now . . ."
I turned my face away so that he wouldn't see the pain, because of course I'd wondered the same thing. Maybe if he hadn't rejected me wholesale, if he had at least stayed my friend, I wouldn't have been so desperate to find a replacement. But it was useless to speculate. Neither one of us could change what happened, and dwelling on it would only make us both miserable.
I felt him slide over to me and reach for my chin with his hand so he could turn my face to look at him.
"I'm sorry, Jasper. I know I can never make up for what I did, the way I reacted, but I am really sorry. Believe me, if I could go back in time to change things, I would. If I could go back in time to suffer in your place, I would. Fuck! If I could go back in time and kill the fucker before he had a chance to touch you, I would!"
He let go of my chin, letting his hand drop to the couch between us. I put my hand over his.
"Stop agonizing over it, Edward. I know you would do all these things if you could. And you came through for me when it was over, when it really counted. You took care of me and protected me, like you always used to. And now you accept me for who I am. And that's enough."
"Is it?" He asked pointedly. "Is that enough for you?"
I closed my eyes. It would never be enough, but it was more than I had ever expected.
"Because it's not enough for me."
The words were spoken in his strong and confident voice, but I wondered if it was just my imagination making me hear what I wanted to hear. I opened my eyes to find his deep green eyes fixed on my face.
"What did you say?" I hated to ask, and yet I had to know. Even if it was just a figment of my imagination, I had to know.
"I said it's not enough for me, Jasper. I want more."
I loudly swallowed the saliva pooling in my mouth.
"More?"
He put his bottle on the coffee table and reached for mine to set it aside as well, then slid even closer to me.
"Yes, Jasper, more. I lost you once. I pushed you away because I was too fucking scared to admit this even to myself, much less to you. But I'm done being afraid. I don't want to waste any more time and I won't let you go again. We belong here, you and I, in our home, and not just as friends and former classmates from Forks. It took me a while to realize this, but ever since the night I found out about Bella, I just couldn't think of you as simply my friend. I started thinking about you, about us, in ways that I'd never considered before. Ways that, quite frankly, scared the shit out of me. I was terrified, and yet I really wanted it, wanted you, wanted us. Being with you was all I thought about, all summer.
"And then when you got here you acted differently. And I started doubting. I didn't know if it was you or me. I was confused. I didn't know what to do. I thought maybe if I found girls who didn't mind group stuff you'd join in, but you just started disappearing. And then when I brought Alice home I finally thought I'd done the right thing and you ran, and I thought it was me. Finding you with Emmett, who I knew was gay, and then hearing that you were gay and thinking that you were with him . . . I couldn't handle it, Jas. I couldn't admit how I felt when you had already chosen someone else."
"But Edward," I interjected, "the next day I told you that there was nothing between me and Emmett. I told you . . ."
"I know, but I was afraid to believe it. And you were moving out. Why would you move out if you felt the way you said you did?"
"You said you never wanted to see me again. What was I supposed to do?"
Edward ran his hand through his messy hair. "I know, I know. It made no sense. I wasn't thinking clearly. There was a part of me that hated you for lying and for spending time with Emmett and Seth. And another part of me hated myself for feeling the way I did about you, for wanting to be with you, to touch you, to fuck you."
My heart was racing and my hard cock was throbbing in my jeans. Just hearing Edward say that he wanted to touch me caused this much of a reaction. What would happen if he actually did touch me?
"What happened after I moved out?" I asked, trying to distract myself from my wanton thoughts, clearing my throat when I realized my voice had been hoarse.
"I drank. I got into bar fights. I failed a couple of classes . . ."
I gasped. I had no idea his schoolwork had suffered because of me.
"I'm sorry, Edward . . ."
He shrugged. "It didn't matter. That was the thing. Without you here nothing really mattered. And then you came back from break and started seeing guys, and that was so . . . it was just so fucking painful." He covered his eyes with his hand, then removed it to look at me again. "But seeing you with James here in the building, seeing how happy you were, hearing you call him sweetheart and talking about what you had planned for the night . . . that was the worst. Until you moved out, which was even worse than that. I wanted to do something, to tell you, to ask you to come back, but I figured after what I did I didn't deserve anything from you and you didn't deserve my messing with your happiness . . ." He sighed.
"It's OK, Edward. I understand." I reassured him. "It wasn't your fault. You couldn't have known about James. You were trying to do the right thing."
He hung his head for a while and I was afraid that this would be it. That despite how this conversation started, this would be as far as he'd be willing to go. If that was the case, it had to be OK. I couldn't, wouldn't push him past the point where he was uncomfortable. And then he started speaking again.
"Now that you're back, now that we worked all that stuff out, I just really want us to be together, Jasper, here, in this apartment. I want to share meals and watch TV together and play games and study and read the Sunday paper and do all those other things that people who are together do. But most of all I want us in bed, together. I want to fall asleep together every night and wake up together every morning. And I don't just want to sleep, Jasper. I want you. I want you so damn much. I want all the things I've been fantasizing about. In the bed, in the shower, on this couch, on the floor, over the damn kitchen counter . . . I want more."
He raised his eyes to mine and I swallowed convulsively, barely able to coat my throat with saliva. I knew my eyes were open wide and I could feel myself trembling. My tongue darted out to moisten my lips and it was all the invitation he needed. Never breaking eye contact, he lunged to crush his lips hard against mine. As before, his kisses were anything but gentle. They were hard and demanding, his tongue forcing itself past my lips and into my mouth as the weight of his body pressed me deep into the couch. I couldn't keep back my moans, especially as his left hand wrapped itself around my neck, holding our heads together, while his right hand started roaming over my chest and down my abdomen, settling in to rub my straining erection through the fabric of my jeans. We were both breathing hard. I wrapped my arms around him and clung to him as he ravaged my mouth.
He used his hands to turn my body and pushed me to lie down, shifting his body over mine and grinding our cocks together. He let out a guttural groan and lifted his lips off mine only to leave a trail of open-mouthed, wet kisses over my face and neck.
"I want you, Jasper," his voice was low and ragged, "I want your skin against mine. I want to feel your body naked beneath me. I want to bury my hard cock inside you. Do you want that too, Baby? Tell me what you want!"
I was so hot and hard, so turned on, I didn't even know if I'd be able to respond, but somehow my muddled brain managed to pull a couple of sentences together.
"I want more too, Edward," I rasped. "I've always wanted more."
Edward's mouth overwhelmed mine again and then, with a growl, he was off me, moving to stand and pulling me up with him, yanking me in the direction of his room. With shock I realized that we hadn't spent much time in there since that awful night with Alice, but I instantly pushed all thoughts of that out of my head, unwilling to let them interfere with this night. Edward had already untucked and unbuttoned my shirt, pushing it off my shoulders and arms as he sucked on my neck and above my collar bone. As soon as my shirt was gone he quickly pulled off his. The rest of our clothes followed in short order and soon he was pushing my naked body onto the bed, lying over me as he did on the couch, our position so much more intimate now.
Feeling his hands on my hips and the soft skin of his cock brushing against mine was sheer heaven. I explored his back with my hands, eventually lowering them to cup his smooth, round cheeks and pull him even closer to me. By the sound of our breathing I knew we were both too excited. Neither one of us was going to last long.
"Do you want me to ride that pretty ass of yours, Baby?" he demanded, roughly. I moaned in response, but apparently it was not enough "Say it," he ordered.
"Yes, Edward, please, I want your hard dick filling me up."
He pushed himself off me and walked to his dresser, taking out condoms and a bottle of lube. He tore off one condom, the wrapper falling by the side of the bed as he slipped the latex sleeve on. He uncapped the lube and coated the condom, tossing the bottle to the bed beside me. I grabbed it, squeezed some onto my fingers and slicked up my hole, tossing the bottle aside. Edward walked up to me, grabbing my waist and effortlessly flipped me over onto my stomach. He grasped my hips and pulled them up and back, so that I was on my knees, my ass even with the edge of the bed. I raised my upper body to my elbows, resting my forehead on my balled fists. I felt his hands on my ass, spreading my cheeks, as his latex covered cock slid around and lined up with my entrance. Then I felt him pushing against the tight muscle until his head was inside me. He kept pushing in slowly, and my surprise at his failure to stretch and prepare me was soon forgotten, as the tip of his cock brushed past my prostate. He was big, and until I got used to and stretched to accommodate his size it was a little painful, but at first he moved slowly to give me a chance to get used to him. I soon did just that and moved my hips back into him to signal that I was ready for a faster pace.
"I need more," I pleaded.
He started thrusting faster and harder into me, his fingers digging painfully into my hips as he helped them steady to ensure he could pull out nearly all the way before plunging in deep.
"Fuck, Baby, this feels so good. Your ass is so tight," he gasped.
I whimpered slightly as his rough movements caused slight discomfort, but that was soon forgotten and offset by the building tension as his strokes massaged the gland that would soon help me reach my orgasm. Balancing my upper body over my left bent arm, I brought my right hand back and started stroking my dick in time with Edward's increasingly vigorous thrusts. We both pumped in a synchronized rhythm until I heard the change in his breathing and felt him harden inside me more and I quickly rounded my head with my lubed palm followed by a couple of quick jerks before our cocks started spasming in unison, his filling the condom and mine shooting jets of cum all over Edward's duvet. He let go of my hips and leaned over me, his hands braced on either side of my body supporting him above me. I felt his cool breath on my back and spine.
"Goddamn, Baby, that was so fucking incredible." he murmured. All I could manage was a muffled affirmative hum.
He pushed himself up and withdrew, yanking off the condom and tying the top before dropping it into the wastebasket by his desk. He returned to the bed and pulled back the covers, motioning for me to get underneath. I slid under the covers and laid on my side. He got in beside me and pulled my back to his chest, wrapping his arms around me.
"You're mine, now, Jasper," he whispered. "You're mine and I swear no one is ever going to touch you or hurt you again."
He nuzzled at my neck for a moment and I was comforted by his body warmth, loving the fact that there were no clothes or other barriers between us. I felt his breathing deepen and even out, and I knew he was asleep. I closed my eyes, hoping for sleep to claim me as well, but my mind refused to shut down, whirling like a Dervish with a torrent of thoughts and memories.
No comments:
Post a Comment