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Chapter 3: Outcast
Another Friday night home alone.
I don't mind. I don't mind. I like being alone. I don't fuckin' mind.
Repeating my stupid mantra didn't really do anything for me, except to give me something to focus on. The truth was, most of the time I didn't mind being alone, if it was voluntary, but for the past two weeks I had been under a self-imposed solitary confinement only because I was too much of a fuckin' coward to say no to Edward, and the only way to keep myself from giving in and saying yes was to avoid being around him as much as possible.
I'd saved myself that day in the diner when it occurred to me as I was paying the bill that Edward probably hadn't even applied to UW yet, so I could put off the decision at least until he got in. It was a short reprieve, however. Dr. Cullen was pissed as all hell that Edward didn't want to go to Stanford, but when Edward informed his parents that he was either going to UW or not going to college at all, his father tapped into his network of influential friends and ensured Edward's rapid acceptance. Then I caught my first break when Edward discovered that all the dorm spaces had already been assigned, and for once he could not talk or bribe himself into the system. I tried to look sympathetic as I explained that I had already been assigned a roommate in the dorms.
Undeterred, Edward found a two bedroom off-campus apartment that he wanted me to share. I refused, citing finances. I couldn't afford to split the rent with him on that apartment even if I wanted to. This almost worked, but then Edward ran to daddy again, explaining the predicament, and Carlisle agreed to foot a greater portion of the apartment expenses so that I only had to pay the equivalent of what it would have cost me to live in the dorms. Even my parents weren't cooperating. I told Edward I needed their permission to live off campus, hoping that they would insist that I stay in the dorms where there was at least some adult supervision, but Dr. Cullen and Edward both convinced them that since Edward and I had never been in any kind of trouble up to now, there was no reason not to give us some freedom.
Wednesday, in a truly desperate move, I'd told Edward that I didn't want to live off campus because I couldn't cook and preferred to take advantage of the dorm meal plans. This actually threw him for a bit of a loop. I could tell he hadn't even thought about needing to feed himself while at school. But then his mother found a service that would deliver pre-made meals to us weekly, so all we had to know was how to warm them up in the microwave. Now I was just stalling, praying to come up with another reason to say no to Edward's preferred living arrangements, and staying away from him until I did.
Tonight a bunch of guys were getting together at Tyler's and, ordinarily, I would have been there too. It was actually a low risk gathering, since most Friday nights Bella kept Edward too occupied for him to get together with the guys. But these days even low risk was a level of risk that was unacceptable, and so I was stuck in my room, by myself, doing my best to come up with yet another reason why I couldn't room with Edward at UW next year. The whole thing was totally fucked up!
I'd called Peter earlier to get his advice, but he wasn't much help. He didn't understand why I couldn't just say no, without giving any reason other than I wanted to live on campus in the dorms. And though he never actually said it, I knew he also didn't think much of the fact that I remained friends with Edward after what happened at Spring Break. I didn't blame him for feeling the way he did. I was just glad that he was willing to overlook my weakness for Edward and continue to be my pillar of strength and the only person I could talk to about anything. Not for the first time I wished I could choose who to fall in love with, because I knew if I could feel about Peter the way I felt about Edward, and if he returned those feelings for me, we would be so fuckin' happy together. But though I was obviously attracted to him, and though I thoroughly enjoyed spending time with him, I just didn't get that sensation of everything coiling and clenching up inside me and time coming to a sudden standstill with him, the way I did every time I saw Edward.
I knew that 95% of the time Edward was the beautiful bastard who didn't care about anyone but himself, and I knew he'd hate for anyone to even think that percentage was lower than a 100. But I also knew a different side of him, a side he never showed anyone else, a side he would never talk about or acknowledge, and it was this side that I absolutely loved without reservations. I loved the Edward who protected me from Sam and Paul; the Edward who snuck into my room through the window when I had the flu in 7th grade to keep me company, even though I was contagious and no one had been allowed to see me; the Edward who practiced with me and planted himself in the front row of the auditorium with hand-made cue cards when I landed my first speaking part in a school play, and was absolutely terrified of messing up my lines; the Edward who convinced the principal to do a fire drill timed perfectly to interrupt a math test I hadn't properly studied for, so I wouldn't get grounded for lowering my GPA; the Edward who had an EpiPen in his glove box and in his book bag at all times just in case I was ever stung again by a bee; and the Edward who never let anyone order pepperoni on a pizza because he knew I hated the stuff. These and dozens other small things like them were why I could never walk away from Edward voluntarily. I knew that he would never love me the way I loved him, but he did care for me, in his own imperfect way, as his best friend. It wasn't much, but for now, while we were still in this town, it was enough.
I also knew it wouldn't be enough forever. Sharing him with all the girls had been hard. Sharing him with Bella was fuckin' unbearable. And if the friendship continued, someday having to share him with his wife and children would kill me. That's why I knew it had to stop. I had to break away, soon, before the way I felt about him completely consumed me. I had to believe that there was someone else out there who could make me feel the way Edward did, but who would also feel the same way about me. And I had to find that someone when Edward was no longer around, because his rejection and contempt for who I was would absolutely destroy me.
Of course, I wasn't completely blind and oblivious to the Edward everyone else knew. Nor was I exempt from his temper, especially this year. Starting with the day I came back from New York and continuing throughout the year Edward had been a particularly moody prick, and I had a harder time than ever trying to figure out how I needed to act so as not to trigger that fuckin' fire breathing dragon in him that these days seemed to live way too close to the surface.
When Edward stopped over on the day I flew back from my dad's, we went through out routine re-hashing of our summers, but just as the calls and e-mails, everything was abbreviated and superficial.
"So you finally made a friend out there," Edward finally commented. "Jesus Christ, Jas, what did it take, eight years? And after all that you find the one guy in fuckin' New York City that is as much of a loner as you are? What the hell, Whitlock? You're like a damn people repellent. Would you even have a friend in Forks if it wasn't for me?"
"Edward?" I couldn't even bring myself to put some cursing into the question. I had no idea why he was saying these things and I was hurt. What he'd said hit a little too close to home. Absolutely every person I considered a friend in Forks became my friend only because Edward had awarded me with his seal of approval.
"Sometimes I just get the feeling that you don't even fucking appreciate everything I do for you, Jasper. You'd be nothing around here if it wasn't for me."
"Hey," I said defensively, "You don't have to be such a dick. I damn well know the significance of being your friend."
"Do you? I wonder? 'Cause the first time you actually managed to make a friend on your own, it fucking became the only thing you talked about. Peter this and Peter that, like you were so damn proud of yourself that you found a sucker who was willing to hang out with you and put up with your bullshit. And all the crap you did together, it was all the shit you're always trying to get us to do. So you finally had your shot at being the ring leader and I think it went to you head, huh? Well you're back in Forks now, and this is my town. I'm the leader here. You depend on me."
I stared at him, my eyes wide with shock, not really understanding what was happening. I had no idea what I'd done to provoke this reaction. He was so furious, for no reason. I didn't know what to say to get him to calm down. Truthfully, I was afraid to say anything for fear of making things worse, but the way he was looking at me I saw that he expected a response.
"Edward, I wasn't the ring leader in New York," I said tentatively. "In fact, Peter was the one who found . . ."
I knew immediately I had made a mistake. Bringing up Peter was exactly the wrong thing.
"So you think you fucking found yourself a new best friend? Is that it? Someone who's gonna take better care of you than I do? And you think he did all that shit with you because he actually liked it? I bet he's just a loser like you who needed someone to hang out with and read you like a fucking open book. He was just using you to pass the time."
I didn't try to defend Peter. I didn't have to, because I knew the things Edward was spewing weren't true. I also knew that any defense or even mention of Peter would only get Edward more revved up. I tried to diffuse the situation in a different way.
"Edward, it's not true. Of course I wasn't trying to get another best friend. I don't need another best friend. You're my best friend."
I was thinking about that phone call I received from him and how much he had wanted me to come back. Of course, he had been as drunk as I've ever heard him, and he probably didn't remember any of it. But why had things changed so much for him when he was sober?
"Correction, Jasper. I was your best friend. I think it will be good for you to finally realize what life would have been like for you all those years if I'd chosen someone else for that spot. See how much your New York pal will be able to help you here in Forks."
I felt a chill run through me. This was my worst nightmare coming true.
"What are you saying?" I dreaded asking the question, but I had to know. Maybe he'd just laugh it off? 'Ha ha, I can't believe you actually fell for that shit, how hilarious?'
But no. He'd been dead serious.
"I'm saying find your own fucking way to school from now on and see how far you get without me paving the way for you this year. See if you can get anyone to even talk to you when you don't have me backing you up."
He stood up and walked out of the room without a backwards glance. I stared at the door blankly, trying to process everything that just went on. For over a year I had considered the possibility of this, tried to prepare for it. But it had always been prompted in some way by Edward finding out I was gay. I never expected that I could lose his friendship like this, for no reason whatsoever. I didn't know what I'd done wrong so I didn't know what I could do to fix it. I curled up into a ball on my bed and fat tears started rolling from my eyes. The more furious I got with myself for crying, the faster the tears came, and soon I was sobbing. Worried that someone in my family might hear something and come to investigate, I went into the bathroom and turned on the shower. I stripped and went in, sitting in the corner with my knees pulled into my chest as I let the sobs take over. I stayed there until the tears and warm water ran out. When I got out I felt completely empty, like someone ripped out my heart and tore it to shreds. My life in Forks had officially turned into hell on earth.
Edward made no attempts to contact me again before school started, so on the first day I got up early, intending to walk. The high school was a good3 miles away and the
morning was cool and drizzly, not helping my mood. About a third of the way
into my walk Edward passed me in his Volvo without slowing down or looking in
my direction. The void inside me somehow grew larger.
I walked for a few more minutes when I heard a car slowing down and then stopping beside me. The passenger window of the car slid open and I obeyed the unspoken signal by walking towards the curb and bending to see the driver. It was a girl whose face I recognized as one of the students in my class. We had been classmates since I arrived in Forks, but she was not a member of Edward's crowd and I had never paid any particular attention to her, to the point that I was having a hard time remembering her name.
"Hey, Jasper," she said, tentatively, "did you miss Edward this morning?"
Heat covered my cheeks at this further humiliation as I realized the message that every student would receive loud and clear when I started walking to school on a daily basis. Oh well, might as well start with her. If I could just think of who she was. Didn't her name start with an M? Michelle? No, something less common. Melanie? Melissa? Something. . . Margaret! That was it!
"Hi, um . . . Margaret. Yeah. I don't think I'll be riding to school with Edward this year."
"Oh," her eyes looked puzzled, but also compassionate. "Well, would you like a ride today?"
I hesitated for a moment, wondering if she had an ulterior motive. If she was hoping to get in with Edward's crowd, she was hitching her cart to the wrong horse. But as I looked into her kind face, I knew that wasn't it. She wasn't scheming. She was just a nice girl offering her rain-soaked classmate a ride. I grabbed for the door handle and got into the car.
"Thanks, Margaret," I said once we were moving again. "I appreciate this."
"Sure," she said shyly. "It's no problem. And please call me Maggie."
On the way to school we talked about what we did during the summer. Maggie played piano and had spent her summer at some sort of a music camp in Michigan, which I found impressive. She, in turn, was impressed at all the various plays, concerts and exhibits I attended in New York. By the time we pulled into the parking lot I felt as though we had been friends for years, instead of just a few minutes.
Edward, Bella, and the rest of the group were congregated in the parking lot as usual. He had been keeping watch for me and I saw the surprise on his face when he saw me getting out of Maggie's car. Then his eyes narrowed dangerously and I wondered if I had made a mistake by accepting the ride. Whatever was going one between me and Edward, I didn't want to pull an innocent bystander like Maggie right into the thick of it.
"Do you have a ride home?" she asked, oblivious to Edward's glare.
"Um, no. But that's all right. I can walk." I stammered, caught off guard by her question.
"Don't be silly. Your house is on my way. I can drop you off."
I looked down at the ground. Refusing her now would be rude.
"Yeah, OK"
"Good. I'll meet you here after school. I might be a little late, but I'll still get you home faster than walking."
I nodded. "Well, thanks Maggie, and see ya," I said and started walking to my first class.
"See ya," I heard her say behind me.
Since I picked up Edward's schedule early, taking advantage of the fact that no one had known about our falling out until school actually started, I knew that he and I had only one class together this semester and it wasn't until the afternoon. That was a good thing – I didn't think I could handle him ignoring me constantly throughout the day. The fact that I would be shunned by virtually everyone else – and I knew that this would happen, as I had seen Edward make it happen to others who fell out of his favor – didn't really bother me. After all, I knew how to be alone. But the idea of being ignored by Edward, after so many years of being his best friend, was too painful and humiliating to be endured for more than an hour a day.
With this in mind, I had prepared a lunch that morning, having absolutely no intention of stepping foot in the cafeteria. I found an out of the way corridor near the fine arts department and settled on the floor to eat my rather unappealing peanut butter and jelly sandwich, banana, chocolate chip cookie and the boxed apple juice I stole from my little sister. I had just eaten about half of my sandwich when I heard footsteps approaching. I was fuckin' pissed to have my lunch interrupted, but I put everything away and stood up, ready to leave.
I was surprised to see Maggie rounding the corner. I had barely noticed this girl in the past 8 years, and yet here she was again, twice in 4 hours. What were the damn odds of that? I was pretty sure somewhere between slim and none. Yet I knew I had told no one where I would be for lunch and judging from her fast clip and her distracted expression as she watched the floor while she walked, she wasn't expecting to find anyone here either. I cleared my throat so that I wouldn't give her a heart attack when she finally saw me, but even this made her jump. She looked up at me, startled and confused.
"Sorry," I said, because it seemed appropriate, though I was standing in a damn hallway of my own school, so it's not like I had anything to apologize for.
"Jasper," she said. "Hi. You're not in the cafeteria?" Her eyebrows were drawn together as she tried to process the data from what I had to assume was a rhetorical question. I mean, I was standing right there in front of her in the damn flesh, so clearly I wasn't in the cafeteria.
"You're not either," I added, wondering what she was doing here.
"Yeah," she tucked a tightly coiled, red strand of hair that had escaped her headband behind her ear, "I eat fast and then practice piano at lunch. Mr. Archer always gives me the key to the practice room."
I was momentarily confused, but then looked to my right and saw the words "practice room" printed on a plaque over the door of the room I had settled myself next to.
"Oh," I said dumbly. I guessed the odds of her being here were pretty good – I was the one who messed up the calculation.
"Were you eating your lunch here?" She asked, a sudden understanding passing over here face. "I guess if I were in your shoes I probably wouldn't want to go to the cafeteria either."
My eyes narrowed. What the fuck did she know about being in my shoes? She didn't know anything about the situation. Seeing the change in my expression, she sighed.
"Look, everybody knows Cullen put out the word that you're persona non grata. Anyone who talks to you now risks his wrath. You were his henchman for so long, it can't be a shock to you. You must know how this works. And I can totally understand why you'd want to eat here alone than under the scrutiny of everyone in the cafeteria."
We heard footsteps and voices around the corner. She looked at me, then quickly pulled out a key and unlocked the practice room door. She stepped in, holding the door open for me.
"It's Cullen's flunkies, looking for you. Since he can't keep an eye on you when you're not in the cafeteria he sent them out here to find you and make sure you're miserable, the way he intended. You can stay out here and give them what they're looking for, or you can come inside and eat your lunch in peace while I practice."
I hesitated for a moment, looking from her to the corner and back again.
"Now or never, Jasper," she said. I turned into the room and she closed the door with a quiet click, both of us leaning against it on either side of the narrow glass window, listening until we heard the footsteps and voices retreat and disappear.
She walked to the piano and took out sheet music out of her bag, along with a sandwich and a bottle of soda. She ate and drank in record time and then proceeded to ignore me as her fingers flew over the piano. I grabbed a chair at a small table in the corner and ate my lunch, listening to her play, wondering who had been sent out to look for me and how Edward would react when they reported that they hadn't found me. As miserable as I was about losing my best friend, I couldn't help but smirk at the frustration I knew he'd be feeling about losing even this little bit of control over the person he'd intended to torture. In all the time I'd known him he has only resorted to public ostracism three or four times, and each time the victim cooperated beautifully, giving Edward the satisfaction of seeing him or her entirely miserable. With Maggie's help, I was the first to have foiled his plans.
When the bell rang I asked Maggie if she was still willing to give me a ride home. It was one thing to drive me to school, before she knew of Edward's order. Now that word had spread she was absolutely right – she'd be incurring his potential wrath by openly associating with me. Seemingly unconcerned, she merely shrugged.
"I'll see you after school," she said, not looking at me, gathering her sheet music to put it away in her bag.
The only class Edward and I had together was Spanish. It was the next to last class of the afternoon. I tried to get there early so I would have my choice of seats, but when I got to the classroom I saw Edward was already seated in the corner furthest away from the door. He was glaring in my direction, and I knew he had been waiting for me to arrive. My heart constricted at seeing him, knowing all his anger was directed at me, and all the satisfaction I had felt at my lunchtime escape quickly evaporated. I dropped into the seat next to the door and stared straight ahead, not daring to look back and face his fury and disapproval. I still didn't know why this was all happening, and that bothered me more than anything. But I knew there was no point in wondering – he would never explain. I just had to get over it somehow.
After school I waited for Maggie at her car. As she warned, she was running late. By the time she came out there were only a few cars left in the lot, including Edward's Volvo. He had waited for her, as if to confirm that she was really defying his order and giving me a ride.
"Sorry about that," she said breezily as she clicked the remote to unlock her car doors. She was clearly more comfortable around me now, in stark contrast to her shyness this morning. "I had to see Mr. Archer to pick up some applications for piano competitions. I won't be late every day."
I shrugged, noting that she obviously intended to continue driving me home, and got in the car. "It's no problem," I offered. "Like you said, it's still faster than walking."
I caught a glimpse of Edward's face as Maggie pulled her car out of the parking space, and the fury I had seen earlier was still there, only more intense. He peeled out of his space and started driving behind us. I pulled down the sun visor even though there wasn't even a hint of the sun in the sky through the dark cloud cover, and used the make-up mirror to observe the Volvo behind us.
"It's not fair for me to have accepted this ride from you."
"Don't worry about it," Maggie said. "Cullen doesn't scare me."
I looked over at her, wondering if she was foolish or delusional. People were scared of Edward Cullen for a reason. He was able to charm you to death, but when he was angry he could also destroy just about anyone.
"He should." I told her honestly.
"He can't do anything to me," she said simply. "I don't have many friends, and the friends I have are not close, so if they were to shun me, I'd be all right. And I don't really care what people think about me, so if he spread some sort of rumor it would have little impact.
I snorted. "You're underestimating him. Edward can always find ways to hurt you." I said bitterly.
Her face clouded for a moment. "He can try," she said. "But I don't think he will."
"Why are you doing this?" I asked her, genuinely curious. I couldn't recall exchanging more than a dozen words with this girl in the last 8 years. I had no idea why she would be willing to take this risk for me, even if she believed the risk to be much smaller than it really was.
"I'm doing this because I've watched you over the years and I think underneath that Cullen-approved façade you're a nice guy. And I was sorry to see you get sucked into Cullen's vortex right away when you moved here. And while I have no idea why he's acting the way he's acting, I think you deserve better after what you'd done for him all these years. And because I think I can give you the choice of whether to get out or go back."
"What?" Her last statement caught me off guard.
"I think in a few weeks you'll have a choice to make, and it will be up to you whether you want to go back to the way you've been since you moved to Forks or whether you want to be someone new."
"I have no idea what the fuck you're talking about," I said, frustrated by her riddles.
"You'll see," she smiled enigmatically, keeping her eyes on the road.
I looked into the mirror to glance at Edward. He was driving so closely behind Maggie, our eyes actually locked for a second, before I turned away. I was annoyed with Maggie's cryptic pronouncements and growing more and more angry with her and Edward both. It seemed everyone in Forks had some kind of fuckin' agenda and they forgot to clue me in.
Maggie continued to drive me to and from school the rest of the week and I kept eating lunch in the music practice room with her, doing homework while listening to her play. When I didn't have homework to do, I just watched her, fascinated that she might as well have been invisible to me for so many years. She was an average sort of girl. Not fat, but slightly heavier than what most guys would have preferred in an ideal girlfriend. Not ugly, but pretty plain, a condition not helped by the fact that she wore absolutely no make-up, making her freckles stand out prominently against her pale complexion and causing the light pink, thin lips to almost disappear. Her eyes, the same shade of green as Edward's, were slightly too small for her face and weren't offset at all by her strawberry blond eyelashes. She had a mass of curly light red hair that she typically held back with a headband, but that would have looked much better in a different style. She could easily go from unnoticeable to eye-catching with just a few simple changes, but I knew that was the last thing she wanted.
"I have this philosophy," she told me on the way home one day. "I stay away from the light. You get too close to the light you're bound to get zapped. My mother found that out the hard way. Besides, there's no one here in Forks that's worth the effort. After graduation, when I get out into the real world, there'll be time to change. Or not," she looked at me and shrugged. "Maybe out there I'll find someone who will appreciate me for who I am."
I thought about what she said for many days after she'd said it. I wondered what she meant when she said her mother had been zapped. I recalled having met her parents a few of times at various town functions. Maggie's mother, Siobhan O'Callaghan, and her husband, Liam, were pleasant and had always seemed happy. If that was a consequence of being zapped, I couldn't see the downside. Plus I'd flown too close to the light and gotten zapped, but would it stop me from getting close to Edward again given half a chance? No matter how much I'd like to say otherwise, I knew the answer was no.
I was yanked out of my recollections by the sound of the ringing phone. I looked at the caller ID on my mobile and saw that it was Edward. I groaned, resisting the urge to answer. He was supposed to be with Bella tonight. What the fuck was he doing calling me? Whatever it was, it would have to wait. I couldn't answer and risk being cornered into accepting his proposed college living arrangements. Damn! I was wasting time thinking about shit that was completely irrelevant and better left in the past when I should have been focusing on finding a way out of this whole fuckin' college mess.
Think, you jackass, think! I berated myself. What other reasons could you possibly have for not wanting to live with Edward?
Chapter 3: Outcast
Another Friday night home alone.
I don't mind. I don't mind. I like being alone. I don't fuckin' mind.
Repeating my stupid mantra didn't really do anything for me, except to give me something to focus on. The truth was, most of the time I didn't mind being alone, if it was voluntary, but for the past two weeks I had been under a self-imposed solitary confinement only because I was too much of a fuckin' coward to say no to Edward, and the only way to keep myself from giving in and saying yes was to avoid being around him as much as possible.
I'd saved myself that day in the diner when it occurred to me as I was paying the bill that Edward probably hadn't even applied to UW yet, so I could put off the decision at least until he got in. It was a short reprieve, however. Dr. Cullen was pissed as all hell that Edward didn't want to go to Stanford, but when Edward informed his parents that he was either going to UW or not going to college at all, his father tapped into his network of influential friends and ensured Edward's rapid acceptance. Then I caught my first break when Edward discovered that all the dorm spaces had already been assigned, and for once he could not talk or bribe himself into the system. I tried to look sympathetic as I explained that I had already been assigned a roommate in the dorms.
Undeterred, Edward found a two bedroom off-campus apartment that he wanted me to share. I refused, citing finances. I couldn't afford to split the rent with him on that apartment even if I wanted to. This almost worked, but then Edward ran to daddy again, explaining the predicament, and Carlisle agreed to foot a greater portion of the apartment expenses so that I only had to pay the equivalent of what it would have cost me to live in the dorms. Even my parents weren't cooperating. I told Edward I needed their permission to live off campus, hoping that they would insist that I stay in the dorms where there was at least some adult supervision, but Dr. Cullen and Edward both convinced them that since Edward and I had never been in any kind of trouble up to now, there was no reason not to give us some freedom.
Wednesday, in a truly desperate move, I'd told Edward that I didn't want to live off campus because I couldn't cook and preferred to take advantage of the dorm meal plans. This actually threw him for a bit of a loop. I could tell he hadn't even thought about needing to feed himself while at school. But then his mother found a service that would deliver pre-made meals to us weekly, so all we had to know was how to warm them up in the microwave. Now I was just stalling, praying to come up with another reason to say no to Edward's preferred living arrangements, and staying away from him until I did.
Tonight a bunch of guys were getting together at Tyler's and, ordinarily, I would have been there too. It was actually a low risk gathering, since most Friday nights Bella kept Edward too occupied for him to get together with the guys. But these days even low risk was a level of risk that was unacceptable, and so I was stuck in my room, by myself, doing my best to come up with yet another reason why I couldn't room with Edward at UW next year. The whole thing was totally fucked up!
I'd called Peter earlier to get his advice, but he wasn't much help. He didn't understand why I couldn't just say no, without giving any reason other than I wanted to live on campus in the dorms. And though he never actually said it, I knew he also didn't think much of the fact that I remained friends with Edward after what happened at Spring Break. I didn't blame him for feeling the way he did. I was just glad that he was willing to overlook my weakness for Edward and continue to be my pillar of strength and the only person I could talk to about anything. Not for the first time I wished I could choose who to fall in love with, because I knew if I could feel about Peter the way I felt about Edward, and if he returned those feelings for me, we would be so fuckin' happy together. But though I was obviously attracted to him, and though I thoroughly enjoyed spending time with him, I just didn't get that sensation of everything coiling and clenching up inside me and time coming to a sudden standstill with him, the way I did every time I saw Edward.
I knew that 95% of the time Edward was the beautiful bastard who didn't care about anyone but himself, and I knew he'd hate for anyone to even think that percentage was lower than a 100. But I also knew a different side of him, a side he never showed anyone else, a side he would never talk about or acknowledge, and it was this side that I absolutely loved without reservations. I loved the Edward who protected me from Sam and Paul; the Edward who snuck into my room through the window when I had the flu in 7th grade to keep me company, even though I was contagious and no one had been allowed to see me; the Edward who practiced with me and planted himself in the front row of the auditorium with hand-made cue cards when I landed my first speaking part in a school play, and was absolutely terrified of messing up my lines; the Edward who convinced the principal to do a fire drill timed perfectly to interrupt a math test I hadn't properly studied for, so I wouldn't get grounded for lowering my GPA; the Edward who had an EpiPen in his glove box and in his book bag at all times just in case I was ever stung again by a bee; and the Edward who never let anyone order pepperoni on a pizza because he knew I hated the stuff. These and dozens other small things like them were why I could never walk away from Edward voluntarily. I knew that he would never love me the way I loved him, but he did care for me, in his own imperfect way, as his best friend. It wasn't much, but for now, while we were still in this town, it was enough.
I also knew it wouldn't be enough forever. Sharing him with all the girls had been hard. Sharing him with Bella was fuckin' unbearable. And if the friendship continued, someday having to share him with his wife and children would kill me. That's why I knew it had to stop. I had to break away, soon, before the way I felt about him completely consumed me. I had to believe that there was someone else out there who could make me feel the way Edward did, but who would also feel the same way about me. And I had to find that someone when Edward was no longer around, because his rejection and contempt for who I was would absolutely destroy me.
Of course, I wasn't completely blind and oblivious to the Edward everyone else knew. Nor was I exempt from his temper, especially this year. Starting with the day I came back from New York and continuing throughout the year Edward had been a particularly moody prick, and I had a harder time than ever trying to figure out how I needed to act so as not to trigger that fuckin' fire breathing dragon in him that these days seemed to live way too close to the surface.
When Edward stopped over on the day I flew back from my dad's, we went through out routine re-hashing of our summers, but just as the calls and e-mails, everything was abbreviated and superficial.
"So you finally made a friend out there," Edward finally commented. "Jesus Christ, Jas, what did it take, eight years? And after all that you find the one guy in fuckin' New York City that is as much of a loner as you are? What the hell, Whitlock? You're like a damn people repellent. Would you even have a friend in Forks if it wasn't for me?"
"Edward?" I couldn't even bring myself to put some cursing into the question. I had no idea why he was saying these things and I was hurt. What he'd said hit a little too close to home. Absolutely every person I considered a friend in Forks became my friend only because Edward had awarded me with his seal of approval.
"Sometimes I just get the feeling that you don't even fucking appreciate everything I do for you, Jasper. You'd be nothing around here if it wasn't for me."
"Hey," I said defensively, "You don't have to be such a dick. I damn well know the significance of being your friend."
"Do you? I wonder? 'Cause the first time you actually managed to make a friend on your own, it fucking became the only thing you talked about. Peter this and Peter that, like you were so damn proud of yourself that you found a sucker who was willing to hang out with you and put up with your bullshit. And all the crap you did together, it was all the shit you're always trying to get us to do. So you finally had your shot at being the ring leader and I think it went to you head, huh? Well you're back in Forks now, and this is my town. I'm the leader here. You depend on me."
I stared at him, my eyes wide with shock, not really understanding what was happening. I had no idea what I'd done to provoke this reaction. He was so furious, for no reason. I didn't know what to say to get him to calm down. Truthfully, I was afraid to say anything for fear of making things worse, but the way he was looking at me I saw that he expected a response.
"Edward, I wasn't the ring leader in New York," I said tentatively. "In fact, Peter was the one who found . . ."
I knew immediately I had made a mistake. Bringing up Peter was exactly the wrong thing.
"So you think you fucking found yourself a new best friend? Is that it? Someone who's gonna take better care of you than I do? And you think he did all that shit with you because he actually liked it? I bet he's just a loser like you who needed someone to hang out with and read you like a fucking open book. He was just using you to pass the time."
I didn't try to defend Peter. I didn't have to, because I knew the things Edward was spewing weren't true. I also knew that any defense or even mention of Peter would only get Edward more revved up. I tried to diffuse the situation in a different way.
"Edward, it's not true. Of course I wasn't trying to get another best friend. I don't need another best friend. You're my best friend."
I was thinking about that phone call I received from him and how much he had wanted me to come back. Of course, he had been as drunk as I've ever heard him, and he probably didn't remember any of it. But why had things changed so much for him when he was sober?
"Correction, Jasper. I was your best friend. I think it will be good for you to finally realize what life would have been like for you all those years if I'd chosen someone else for that spot. See how much your New York pal will be able to help you here in Forks."
I felt a chill run through me. This was my worst nightmare coming true.
"What are you saying?" I dreaded asking the question, but I had to know. Maybe he'd just laugh it off? 'Ha ha, I can't believe you actually fell for that shit, how hilarious?'
But no. He'd been dead serious.
"I'm saying find your own fucking way to school from now on and see how far you get without me paving the way for you this year. See if you can get anyone to even talk to you when you don't have me backing you up."
He stood up and walked out of the room without a backwards glance. I stared at the door blankly, trying to process everything that just went on. For over a year I had considered the possibility of this, tried to prepare for it. But it had always been prompted in some way by Edward finding out I was gay. I never expected that I could lose his friendship like this, for no reason whatsoever. I didn't know what I'd done wrong so I didn't know what I could do to fix it. I curled up into a ball on my bed and fat tears started rolling from my eyes. The more furious I got with myself for crying, the faster the tears came, and soon I was sobbing. Worried that someone in my family might hear something and come to investigate, I went into the bathroom and turned on the shower. I stripped and went in, sitting in the corner with my knees pulled into my chest as I let the sobs take over. I stayed there until the tears and warm water ran out. When I got out I felt completely empty, like someone ripped out my heart and tore it to shreds. My life in Forks had officially turned into hell on earth.
Edward made no attempts to contact me again before school started, so on the first day I got up early, intending to walk. The high school was a good
I walked for a few more minutes when I heard a car slowing down and then stopping beside me. The passenger window of the car slid open and I obeyed the unspoken signal by walking towards the curb and bending to see the driver. It was a girl whose face I recognized as one of the students in my class. We had been classmates since I arrived in Forks, but she was not a member of Edward's crowd and I had never paid any particular attention to her, to the point that I was having a hard time remembering her name.
"Hey, Jasper," she said, tentatively, "did you miss Edward this morning?"
Heat covered my cheeks at this further humiliation as I realized the message that every student would receive loud and clear when I started walking to school on a daily basis. Oh well, might as well start with her. If I could just think of who she was. Didn't her name start with an M? Michelle? No, something less common. Melanie? Melissa? Something. . . Margaret! That was it!
"Hi, um . . . Margaret. Yeah. I don't think I'll be riding to school with Edward this year."
"Oh," her eyes looked puzzled, but also compassionate. "Well, would you like a ride today?"
I hesitated for a moment, wondering if she had an ulterior motive. If she was hoping to get in with Edward's crowd, she was hitching her cart to the wrong horse. But as I looked into her kind face, I knew that wasn't it. She wasn't scheming. She was just a nice girl offering her rain-soaked classmate a ride. I grabbed for the door handle and got into the car.
"Thanks, Margaret," I said once we were moving again. "I appreciate this."
"Sure," she said shyly. "It's no problem. And please call me Maggie."
On the way to school we talked about what we did during the summer. Maggie played piano and had spent her summer at some sort of a music camp in Michigan, which I found impressive. She, in turn, was impressed at all the various plays, concerts and exhibits I attended in New York. By the time we pulled into the parking lot I felt as though we had been friends for years, instead of just a few minutes.
Edward, Bella, and the rest of the group were congregated in the parking lot as usual. He had been keeping watch for me and I saw the surprise on his face when he saw me getting out of Maggie's car. Then his eyes narrowed dangerously and I wondered if I had made a mistake by accepting the ride. Whatever was going one between me and Edward, I didn't want to pull an innocent bystander like Maggie right into the thick of it.
"Do you have a ride home?" she asked, oblivious to Edward's glare.
"Um, no. But that's all right. I can walk." I stammered, caught off guard by her question.
"Don't be silly. Your house is on my way. I can drop you off."
I looked down at the ground. Refusing her now would be rude.
"Yeah, OK"
"Good. I'll meet you here after school. I might be a little late, but I'll still get you home faster than walking."
I nodded. "Well, thanks Maggie, and see ya," I said and started walking to my first class.
"See ya," I heard her say behind me.
Since I picked up Edward's schedule early, taking advantage of the fact that no one had known about our falling out until school actually started, I knew that he and I had only one class together this semester and it wasn't until the afternoon. That was a good thing – I didn't think I could handle him ignoring me constantly throughout the day. The fact that I would be shunned by virtually everyone else – and I knew that this would happen, as I had seen Edward make it happen to others who fell out of his favor – didn't really bother me. After all, I knew how to be alone. But the idea of being ignored by Edward, after so many years of being his best friend, was too painful and humiliating to be endured for more than an hour a day.
With this in mind, I had prepared a lunch that morning, having absolutely no intention of stepping foot in the cafeteria. I found an out of the way corridor near the fine arts department and settled on the floor to eat my rather unappealing peanut butter and jelly sandwich, banana, chocolate chip cookie and the boxed apple juice I stole from my little sister. I had just eaten about half of my sandwich when I heard footsteps approaching. I was fuckin' pissed to have my lunch interrupted, but I put everything away and stood up, ready to leave.
I was surprised to see Maggie rounding the corner. I had barely noticed this girl in the past 8 years, and yet here she was again, twice in 4 hours. What were the damn odds of that? I was pretty sure somewhere between slim and none. Yet I knew I had told no one where I would be for lunch and judging from her fast clip and her distracted expression as she watched the floor while she walked, she wasn't expecting to find anyone here either. I cleared my throat so that I wouldn't give her a heart attack when she finally saw me, but even this made her jump. She looked up at me, startled and confused.
"Sorry," I said, because it seemed appropriate, though I was standing in a damn hallway of my own school, so it's not like I had anything to apologize for.
"Jasper," she said. "Hi. You're not in the cafeteria?" Her eyebrows were drawn together as she tried to process the data from what I had to assume was a rhetorical question. I mean, I was standing right there in front of her in the damn flesh, so clearly I wasn't in the cafeteria.
"You're not either," I added, wondering what she was doing here.
"Yeah," she tucked a tightly coiled, red strand of hair that had escaped her headband behind her ear, "I eat fast and then practice piano at lunch. Mr. Archer always gives me the key to the practice room."
I was momentarily confused, but then looked to my right and saw the words "practice room" printed on a plaque over the door of the room I had settled myself next to.
"Oh," I said dumbly. I guessed the odds of her being here were pretty good – I was the one who messed up the calculation.
"Were you eating your lunch here?" She asked, a sudden understanding passing over here face. "I guess if I were in your shoes I probably wouldn't want to go to the cafeteria either."
My eyes narrowed. What the fuck did she know about being in my shoes? She didn't know anything about the situation. Seeing the change in my expression, she sighed.
"Look, everybody knows Cullen put out the word that you're persona non grata. Anyone who talks to you now risks his wrath. You were his henchman for so long, it can't be a shock to you. You must know how this works. And I can totally understand why you'd want to eat here alone than under the scrutiny of everyone in the cafeteria."
We heard footsteps and voices around the corner. She looked at me, then quickly pulled out a key and unlocked the practice room door. She stepped in, holding the door open for me.
"It's Cullen's flunkies, looking for you. Since he can't keep an eye on you when you're not in the cafeteria he sent them out here to find you and make sure you're miserable, the way he intended. You can stay out here and give them what they're looking for, or you can come inside and eat your lunch in peace while I practice."
I hesitated for a moment, looking from her to the corner and back again.
"Now or never, Jasper," she said. I turned into the room and she closed the door with a quiet click, both of us leaning against it on either side of the narrow glass window, listening until we heard the footsteps and voices retreat and disappear.
She walked to the piano and took out sheet music out of her bag, along with a sandwich and a bottle of soda. She ate and drank in record time and then proceeded to ignore me as her fingers flew over the piano. I grabbed a chair at a small table in the corner and ate my lunch, listening to her play, wondering who had been sent out to look for me and how Edward would react when they reported that they hadn't found me. As miserable as I was about losing my best friend, I couldn't help but smirk at the frustration I knew he'd be feeling about losing even this little bit of control over the person he'd intended to torture. In all the time I'd known him he has only resorted to public ostracism three or four times, and each time the victim cooperated beautifully, giving Edward the satisfaction of seeing him or her entirely miserable. With Maggie's help, I was the first to have foiled his plans.
When the bell rang I asked Maggie if she was still willing to give me a ride home. It was one thing to drive me to school, before she knew of Edward's order. Now that word had spread she was absolutely right – she'd be incurring his potential wrath by openly associating with me. Seemingly unconcerned, she merely shrugged.
"I'll see you after school," she said, not looking at me, gathering her sheet music to put it away in her bag.
The only class Edward and I had together was Spanish. It was the next to last class of the afternoon. I tried to get there early so I would have my choice of seats, but when I got to the classroom I saw Edward was already seated in the corner furthest away from the door. He was glaring in my direction, and I knew he had been waiting for me to arrive. My heart constricted at seeing him, knowing all his anger was directed at me, and all the satisfaction I had felt at my lunchtime escape quickly evaporated. I dropped into the seat next to the door and stared straight ahead, not daring to look back and face his fury and disapproval. I still didn't know why this was all happening, and that bothered me more than anything. But I knew there was no point in wondering – he would never explain. I just had to get over it somehow.
After school I waited for Maggie at her car. As she warned, she was running late. By the time she came out there were only a few cars left in the lot, including Edward's Volvo. He had waited for her, as if to confirm that she was really defying his order and giving me a ride.
"Sorry about that," she said breezily as she clicked the remote to unlock her car doors. She was clearly more comfortable around me now, in stark contrast to her shyness this morning. "I had to see Mr. Archer to pick up some applications for piano competitions. I won't be late every day."
I shrugged, noting that she obviously intended to continue driving me home, and got in the car. "It's no problem," I offered. "Like you said, it's still faster than walking."
I caught a glimpse of Edward's face as Maggie pulled her car out of the parking space, and the fury I had seen earlier was still there, only more intense. He peeled out of his space and started driving behind us. I pulled down the sun visor even though there wasn't even a hint of the sun in the sky through the dark cloud cover, and used the make-up mirror to observe the Volvo behind us.
"It's not fair for me to have accepted this ride from you."
"Don't worry about it," Maggie said. "Cullen doesn't scare me."
I looked over at her, wondering if she was foolish or delusional. People were scared of Edward Cullen for a reason. He was able to charm you to death, but when he was angry he could also destroy just about anyone.
"He should." I told her honestly.
"He can't do anything to me," she said simply. "I don't have many friends, and the friends I have are not close, so if they were to shun me, I'd be all right. And I don't really care what people think about me, so if he spread some sort of rumor it would have little impact.
I snorted. "You're underestimating him. Edward can always find ways to hurt you." I said bitterly.
Her face clouded for a moment. "He can try," she said. "But I don't think he will."
"Why are you doing this?" I asked her, genuinely curious. I couldn't recall exchanging more than a dozen words with this girl in the last 8 years. I had no idea why she would be willing to take this risk for me, even if she believed the risk to be much smaller than it really was.
"I'm doing this because I've watched you over the years and I think underneath that Cullen-approved façade you're a nice guy. And I was sorry to see you get sucked into Cullen's vortex right away when you moved here. And while I have no idea why he's acting the way he's acting, I think you deserve better after what you'd done for him all these years. And because I think I can give you the choice of whether to get out or go back."
"What?" Her last statement caught me off guard.
"I think in a few weeks you'll have a choice to make, and it will be up to you whether you want to go back to the way you've been since you moved to Forks or whether you want to be someone new."
"I have no idea what the fuck you're talking about," I said, frustrated by her riddles.
"You'll see," she smiled enigmatically, keeping her eyes on the road.
I looked into the mirror to glance at Edward. He was driving so closely behind Maggie, our eyes actually locked for a second, before I turned away. I was annoyed with Maggie's cryptic pronouncements and growing more and more angry with her and Edward both. It seemed everyone in Forks had some kind of fuckin' agenda and they forgot to clue me in.
Maggie continued to drive me to and from school the rest of the week and I kept eating lunch in the music practice room with her, doing homework while listening to her play. When I didn't have homework to do, I just watched her, fascinated that she might as well have been invisible to me for so many years. She was an average sort of girl. Not fat, but slightly heavier than what most guys would have preferred in an ideal girlfriend. Not ugly, but pretty plain, a condition not helped by the fact that she wore absolutely no make-up, making her freckles stand out prominently against her pale complexion and causing the light pink, thin lips to almost disappear. Her eyes, the same shade of green as Edward's, were slightly too small for her face and weren't offset at all by her strawberry blond eyelashes. She had a mass of curly light red hair that she typically held back with a headband, but that would have looked much better in a different style. She could easily go from unnoticeable to eye-catching with just a few simple changes, but I knew that was the last thing she wanted.
"I have this philosophy," she told me on the way home one day. "I stay away from the light. You get too close to the light you're bound to get zapped. My mother found that out the hard way. Besides, there's no one here in Forks that's worth the effort. After graduation, when I get out into the real world, there'll be time to change. Or not," she looked at me and shrugged. "Maybe out there I'll find someone who will appreciate me for who I am."
I thought about what she said for many days after she'd said it. I wondered what she meant when she said her mother had been zapped. I recalled having met her parents a few of times at various town functions. Maggie's mother, Siobhan O'Callaghan, and her husband, Liam, were pleasant and had always seemed happy. If that was a consequence of being zapped, I couldn't see the downside. Plus I'd flown too close to the light and gotten zapped, but would it stop me from getting close to Edward again given half a chance? No matter how much I'd like to say otherwise, I knew the answer was no.
I was yanked out of my recollections by the sound of the ringing phone. I looked at the caller ID on my mobile and saw that it was Edward. I groaned, resisting the urge to answer. He was supposed to be with Bella tonight. What the fuck was he doing calling me? Whatever it was, it would have to wait. I couldn't answer and risk being cornered into accepting his proposed college living arrangements. Damn! I was wasting time thinking about shit that was completely irrelevant and better left in the past when I should have been focusing on finding a way out of this whole fuckin' college mess.
Think, you jackass, think! I berated myself. What other reasons could you possibly have for not wanting to live with Edward?
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