Chapter 16

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Chapter 16: Reclamation

Edward and I stared at each other in our second stand-off of the day. I had won the earlier round, but I had no confidence I would win this one. Despite my brave words, I knew it would, in fact, be all too easy for Edward and Seth to keep me in this apartment against my will.

"Honey, please, don't leave me this way," James continued on the other side of the door. "If you ever loved me at all, you can't just walk away like this, without giving me any opportunity to make things right."

Seth walked around me and joined Edward in standing between me and the door.

"Sugar, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over again and expecting a different outcome. The man on the other side of this door is the devil. He will say anything to get you to leave us and go with him, but he has hurt you before and he will hurt you again just as soon as you're back in his clutches.

"I know it's hard, Jasper. I know because I have been through this too. Remember Jared? I know Em told you about Jared. Emmy doesn't know this, but that night, that night when he woke up to help me? That wasn't the first night it happened, Jasper. It was just the first night I realized that Jared was never going to change, no matter what he said. It was the first night I fought back.

"So I know exactly what you're feeling right now. But no matter what he says tonight, nothing will change. Please, Sugar, listen to me. You need to be strong tonight. You need to stay resolute. You reached out for our help. Now let us help you, please."

I stared at Seth trying to process everything he was telling me. Jared had abused him? He'd abused him while Em was in the same apartment and didn't even know? And then Seth finally had enough strength to fight back and stop Jared once and for all? I saw it all in his face and knew that he was telling the truth. And now he was taking the same strength and sharing it with me. And suddenly I realized that he was absolutely right. No matter what James said to me tonight, if I went back things would never change. And if I went back and he hurt me, I wouldn't be the only one in pain. He would be hurting Edward and Emmett and Seth and my family, all the people who cared about me. And I'd be helping him do it. It wasn't just about me anymore. I had dragged them all into this hell with me. They knew what was happening and if it continued they would be hurt as well. I finally saw with 100% clarity what I had to do.

"Edward, open the door," I said quietly. I saw a defeated look pass between Seth and Edward and I knew I had to let them know that they were wrong, that I wasn't doing what they thought I was doing. "I want to tell that asshole to leave me alone once and for all."

The relief was clear on both their faces, but Seth was still guarded.

"I don't know if this is such a good idea, Jas," he said.

"Seth, you faced Jared. I know you did. You faced him when he begged your forgiveness and you told him no. I need to do the same thing. I need to show James that I'm not a coward who can only sneak away when he's not there. I need to tell him I'm leaving to his face."

"But what if he. . . ?"

"Do you have a video camera feature on your phone?"

Seth nodded.

"Use it. Stand back and hold it so he doesn't see it, but record everything. If things start getting out of hand we can tell him we have a recording."

Seth's eyes grew a little brighter. "All right," He nodded and stepped back into the living room. I looked at Edward again. He seemed more excited as well. I noticed his hands were curling into fists at his sides.

"Please don't start anything, Edward," I begged. "This won't work if you start something."

He sighed and relaxed his hands. "I won't start, I swear," he said. "But if he does, I'll look forward to finishing."

"Jasper, Honey, I can hear you in there. What's going on? Why aren't you letting me in? Are they trying to keep you from seeing me? They can't do that. I'll call the police and get you out,"

I couldn't believe James was actually threatening Edward and Seth with the police. It sent shivers down my spine. Clearly he was confident that nothing would happen to him no matter what I told the authorities. I looked back at Seth, silently making sure he was ready. He nodded and put his finger on the button on the phone, which he held inconspicuously at his side, pointed in the direction of the door. I turned and nodded at Edward, who moved towards the door, unlocked and opened it.

James stood on the other side, still wearing his trench coat over one of his impeccably tailored suits. I realized he must have rushed here as soon as he knew that I was gone. Or maybe he knew without even going home, getting the news from the man in the cafe across the street from his condo? Is that how he knew we were in Edward's apartment?

The hostility, clear on his face when he looked at Edward, disappeared when he turned towards me.

"Honey, I'm so sorry. Please forgive me," he took a couple of steps into the apartment towards me. Involuntarily I stepped back. He paused, his face etched with what appeared to be concern. "Are you all right, Jasper? Did they hurt you?"

Oh, he was evil. How had I not seen it before. It was as if my eyes had suddenly been ripped wide open where previously they had been sewn shut.

"No, James," I said quietly. "They didn't hurt me. You're the one who's been hurting me. But you're not going to hurt me anymore. I'm not going back with you. It's over."

James actually managed to look confused.

"Jasper, I was angry. I know I said things that hurt you, scared you even, but I didn't mean them. I was just frantic, so worried about you when you didn't call . . . I was thinking about you the whole time I was out of town. I missed you so much. I got you something."

For the first time I noticed he was holding a large gift bag with a box inside.

"Here, Honey, open it." he thrust the bag in my direction. I did nothing.

"Please, Jasper, just open it. I had it made especially for you."

Reluctantly I took the bag and pulled out the box. I slid off the cardboard band holding the box closed, placed the box on the table and lifted up the top. Inside was a gorgeous black leather laptop shoulder messenger bag. The silver buckle pocket flap closure was engraved with my initials. The heady smell of leather permeated the air. I couldn't help myself. I reached into the box to touch the bag, the leather feeling soft and smooth beneath my fingers.

"It's beautiful, James," I said, and it was. So he really had been thinking of me. I slid my fingers along the engraved initials, feeling the metal grooves.

"I wanted you to have it in time for your next term on campus," James said softly. I looked up, surprised.

"But in your message you said . . ."

"I was wrong, Jasper. I didn't mean it. I had just been so worried about you when I didn't hear from you. You know I'm always worried about you. But I know how much you love going to classes, so I would never try to get in the way of that. I just spoke in haste, in anger."

I looked at him suspiciously. This didn't sound right. Today was not the first time he mentioned not going back to school on campus. He had been talking about that for weeks. I shook my head, slightly, hoping to clear some of the fog that had settled over me from the moment I took the gift bag from him. This James wasn't real. It was a trick.

"Jesus, Jasper, can't you see what he's doing?" James and I both turned towards the sound of Edward's voice. "It's bribe. A payoff. A leather bag for your hide. How many bruises is that bag worth? How many more broken ribs?"

I stared at Edward. I had asked him not to start anything with James and here he was, goading him. I looked over at James, whose eyes had narrowed dangerously.

"Who the fuck are you and why do you feel you have any right to speak?" he spat at Edward. "This isn't your concern, kid. This is between Jasper and me, so stay out of it."

"The hell it isn't my concern," Edward retorted. "Any time someone tries to use my best friend as a punching bag, it damn right is my concern."

"Best friend?" James looked puzzled for a minute. His face clouded as he tried to work out the thoughts in his head. Then he turned to me.

"This is the asshole you were living with when you came out, isn't it? The one that wouldn't talk with you or live with you when he found out you were gay. This is the person who you're going to listen to and trust over me? What do you think he's going to do once I leave and can no longer protect you? He probably spends his Saturday nights gay bashing for the fun of it."

I looked at Edward, noticing his barely restrained fury, then back to James whose face was neutral, but whose eyes were calculating. I could see what he was doing, trying to beat Edward at the baiting game Edward started. I was clearheaded once again. I stepped away from the gift box and its contents, positioning myself between James and Edward.

"Edward has never hurt me," I said, "which is more than I can say about you, James."

His expression softened immediately.

"Honey, come back home with me and it'll be different. I'll never give you a reason to doubt my love again, I swear. I'll spend forever doing everything I can to make you happy. I just need you there in our bed when I go to sleep at night and when I wake up in the morning. Please, Jasper, let's go home."

I shook my head. "No. I'm sorry, James, I can't." I stepped back until I hit Edward's chest, and felt his left hand reassuringly on my shoulder. "It's over. Please, take the bag and leave. It's over."

"You don't really mean that, do you? I thought you loved me."

"I did love you, James, so much. Or at least I loved the man I thought you were. But you're not that person, James, and I'm not sure you ever loved me."

"How can you say that, Jasper? Of course I loved you. I still love you! Would I be here, begging you to come back, if I didn't love you?"

"Sure you would, you sick fuck, 'cause it will take you a while to trap another victim," Edward interjected. "You call what you did to him love? If that's how you treat people you love, what do you do to people you dislike?"

"Keep talking, you little maggot, and you'll find out," James' eyes flashed dangerously. I knew that look, and it wasn't a good thing.

"James," I said calmly, quietly. "It's really time for you to go. I'm sorry things didn't work out. I wish it could have been different. I wish you could have been different. But there's nothing left between us and you need to leave."

Something inside James snapped. I saw it the instant it happened and it absolutely terrified me.

"Leave? Oh, I'll leave, all right, but not without you. I've invested too much in you, little boy, to just let you walk away. I'm leaving, and you're going with me."

He stepped towards me and reached out to grab me, but before he could I felt Edward step forward and shield me with his body. Pure malice filled James' eyes and I watched in horror as he delivered a couple of fast punches right to Edward's midsection. Edward doubled over in pain, giving James the opportunity to grab his head to keep him down as he delivered more blows to Edward's ribs and stomach. Edward finally twisted to the side and out of James' grasp, throwing an uppercut towards James' jaw, but James easily moved his head back so that the punch merely skimmed along the side of his face as his fist connected with Edward's jaw.

The blow sent Edward flying back into me, the impact causing me to stumble backwards until I hit the wall, with Edward falling to the floor in front of me. Seeing him lying there at my feet, his beautiful face bleeding from James' punch, I forgot all my aches and pains and acted on sheer impulse. I pushed myself off the wall, bending slightly at the waist, aiming to hit James' mid-section and tackle him to the ground. That was the plan, but he had been prepared, so instead of tumbling backwards he blocked me completely, my shoulder hitting the hard barrier of his well-developed abs.

"Thank you for not making me come get you, Honey," he said menacingly. I felt him grasp my wrists and transfer both to one hand, pulling them together and then pushing them up towards my shoulder blades until I was crying out loud from the pain in my arms as I slid down to my knees. Then somehow he was behind me, lifting me up and propelling me towards the hallway. I stumbled, pitching forward, but his strong grip did not allow me to fall until suddenly the grip loosened and, completely unprepared, my body slammed to the floor, my face scraping painfully on the carpet. I turned to look behind me and saw that Seth had jumped on James' back and was desperately trying to claw at his eyes, as James kept his head forward and out of reach while trying to peel my friend off him.

I heard heavy footfalls in the hallway and turned my head towards the door just in time to see Emmett come through at full speed.

"Is everything all . . . Oh hell no!" he roared as he quickly evaluated the situation and stepped around me to grab James by the throat.

"Let him go, Seth," Em commanded and Seth quickly jumped off James' back, his dark eyes smoldering with anger. I turned over onto my back and pushed myself into a sitting position, watching as Emmett propelled James in front of him until James' back hit a wall with a dull thud.

"You enjoy beating up men who are smaller and weaker than you, motherfucker?" Em asked as he pulled James forward and then slammed him back against the wall again. "Let's see how you do with someone my size." His hold on James' neck was so tight I could see James' eyes bulging as he tried to pry off Emmett's fingers with both of his hands. I saw movement in my peripheral vision and turned to watch Edward get to his feet and make his way to Em and James.

"Not so much fun now that the shoe's on the other foot, huh, asshole?" Edward panted, "Do you like being a recipient of your brand of love? Let me show you how much I love you, you goddamn turd," almost as if on cue Emmett let James go and Edward stepped forward, immobilizing James against the wall with his shoulder as his fists reigned blows on James' stomach which James tried to block with his own arms, largely to no effect.

"Let me at him," Emmett said after a minute. Edward stepped back, and James pitched forward, but Edward caught him by the shoulders, holding him in place.

"Just one last thing," He said and brought his right knee hard into James' groin, causing James to cry out and double over. Edward moved over, almost politely, to make room for Em, who lifted James' head by the hair and delivered a punch squarely to his face, then pulled back to throw another. James tied to ward off as many blows as he could, but he wasn't having much success. His left eye was swelling and blood was dripping from his lip and nose. Although I tried to stay impassive, I felt every single one of Emmett's punches as if I were receiving them myself.

"Stop," I said as I tried to get up, a shooting pain in my ribs forcing me back to the ground. I turned to Seth, who stood a few feet away from me, as riveted to the scene as I was. "Seth, help me get up, please." I asked. He turned to look at me and was at my sides in seconds, helping me to my feet.

"Guys, please stop!" I said again, loud enough this time to catch Emmett and Edward's attention. "Please," I said again, "he's had enough. We're better than he is."

My friends looked back at me, almost confused. I walked slowly to the table and packed up the messenger bag, placing the box back in the gift bag. I carried it over to James and held it out him.

"Leave and take this with you. And don't try to contact or come near any of us again. I won't tell anyone what happened unless I have to, but just in case you had thoughts of filing any false police reports, you should know that my file from the hospital visit today has pictures of my injuries in it and I have a copy of the message you left for me today. And Seth videotaped everything that happened tonight on his phone, so we'll be able to prove that you started the attack."

He stared me silently, his left eye nearly completely swollen shut now. I pushed the bag into him again, and this time he grabbed it from me.

"I know you don't believe me, James, but I really cared about you and I would have . . . I did everything I could to make you happy. If you could have just respected me and treated me better, I would have stayed with you and just you forever. I don't know what inside you makes you do the things you did to me, but you need to get help so that the next time someone loves you the way that I did you can just appreciate it instead of destroying it."

James' lip curled into a snarl and he started to open his mount to reply but Edward's back handed slap caught him before he could make a sound.

"I think we've heard enough out of you today," he said derisively. "And I think it's high time to take out the trash, don't you Emmett?"

"I couldn't agree with you more."

Emmett reached for James, who dropped the bag in a vain attempt to defend himself. He pulled James away from the wall and pulled one of his arms back, pushing it up so that it was painful for James to struggle. He settled his other hand on the back of James' neck, pushing James to walk ahead of him out of the apartment. Edward picked up the gift bag and followed Em. Seth stopped them before they were out the door, pulled down James' head to his eye level and spat in his face. Emmett laughed and continued pushing James into the hallway with Edward right on his heels. Seth and I walked as far as the apartment door and watched as the other three men disappeared down the staircase. I leaned back against the door frame, suddenly desperate for the additional support. I felt wetness on my cheeks and heard a strange sound, though it took me a while to realize the sound was my own sobbing. Seth moved towards me and wrapped his arms tightly around me, the top of his head barely coming up to my armpit. I held onto him like a life preserver, needing every bit of the comfort he provided. We were still locked in this position when Edward and Emmett returned a few minutes later.

Emmett came up to me and placed a hand on my shoulder. "Come on, let's get inside and close the door."

Seth pulled away and the four of us walked into the apartment, Edward closing and locking the door behind us.

"Where's your first aid kit?" Em asked, and I remembered that Edward had been injured.

"I'll get it," I said and started to walk slowly towards the bathroom.

"No," Seth said, stopping me. "I'll get it. Just tell me where it is."

"It's in the cabinet under the bathroom sink," I said, hoping Edward had not re-arranged things while I was gone, "And the painkillers are in the medicine cabinet."

Seth left for the bathroom as the rest of us settled down on the living room couch and chairs. He returned with the first aid kit, a bottle of ibuprofen and a couple of wash clothes, one wet and one dry. He walked up to Edward and sat by him, starting to wipe off his face with the moist cloth. Edward grimaced, but he didn't turn away or back up from the contact. Seth continued to clean up, dry and treat the cuts on Edward's face. When he was done he put the contents of the kit back in the box and left for the kitchen, where he rummaged until he found a glass which he filled with water. He brought the glass to Edward and handed it to him along with the ibuprofen bottle. Edward poured out a couple of pills and swallowed them down with the water.

"You did good, Cullen," Seth said, and left to put the glass and emergency kit away. It may not have seemed like much to a casual observer, but I knew it was the highest praise Seth could bestow, given his general dislike of Edward.

"So," I said hesitantly after Seth came back and settled in on the arm of the chair I was sitting in, "I guess it's over, right? I really don't know how I'll ever be able to thank . . ."

"You don't have to thank us, Sugar," Emmett said before I had a chance to finish my thought. "Just get better and stay away from him. And let us know if he ever tries to come near you again."

"Do you think he will?" I asked, alarmed. "Even after tonight?"

"Hard to say," Emmett sighed and leaned forward, resting his forearms on his knees. "Guys like him don't always understand the word 'no' the first time."

"I think for the time being you should avoid going out as much as possible and definitely never go out alone," Edward added, his speech slightly impacted by his swollen lip.

"But it's the week before finals," I protested. "I don't have to go anywhere else, but I do have to go to class."

"You should be all right in class by yourself, it's public enough that he probably won't do anything, especially since you're still in all the large gen-ed lectures, but I should probably walk you to and from each class." Em said.

"But what about your classes, Emmy? You already missed tonight's lecture for me." I stared at the floor, depressed. My three best friends had already sacrificed a lot for me. How could I ask them to do more?

"I have a friend who'll let me borrow her notes from tonight's class, and as for the rest, we'll figure something out. I don't think our schedules overlap too much, so we should be okay."

"I can help too," Edward offered. "Just tell us your schedule and let's figure out how we can cover it."

Seth got paper and something to write with and took notes as Edward, Emmett and I went through our respective schedules. As it turned out, between Em an Edward, they could cover all of my classes and lunch. Much as I hated to bother them. I breathed a sigh of relief. Until Emmett mentioned it, it never occurred to me that James might try to get to me again, but now that the idea was in my head, I was scared.

It was getting late and after everything that happened, I was absolutely exhausted. Seth noticed first, leaning over me and running his fingers through my short hair.

"Maybe we'd better get you to bed? You look like you're just about done for the night."

I looked at him gratefully.

"Thanks, Seth. I think you're right. I'd better turn in. Only . . ." I hesitated. How could I possibly admit that I didn't want to be in that now strange bed all alone tonight. How could I tell them that I needed someone with me to keep the monsters away, even if just for this one night. I looked at Seth pleadingly, hoping he'd understand without me having to ask. He did.

"Want some company, Sugar?" he asked me. "I may not be a great bodyguard, but I can cuddle."

"Yeah, Seth. That would be nice," I replied gratefully.

"Isn't it a little soon, Jasper?" Edward asked darkly, his disapproval dripping from every word. "I mean, we just threw one of your lovers to the curb and you're still injured. Shouldn't you take at least a few days before sleeping with someone else?"

My heart stopped. Maybe I'd been wrong about his acceptance of my sexual orientation.

Seth sat up straight and shot Edward a venomous look. "I hardly think Jasper needs to take morality lessons from you, Cullen," he barked, and I knew whatever good will Edward had amassed during the confrontation with James was all gone.

"All right, Seth," Em said. "Calm down. He has a right to his opinion and this is his roof. Thing is, though, now that James knows where Jasper is, we don't exactly need to stay here. Let's go back to our place." He started to get up off the sofa.

"No," Edward said quickly. "You don't have to leave. This is Jasper's home too. I just thought that maybe . . . since he's hurt . . . maybe he should wait. But it's none of my business." he said, looking at the carpet. I felt bad for him again. I bet he hadn't expected to have to deal with anything like this when he woke up that morning, and it had to be difficult for him to implement a whole new mindset all at once.

"Edward," I said quietly, "Seth and I are just friends. Just like Em and I are just friends. Just like you and I are just friends. You're right. I'm not ready for anything else. I probably won't be ready for a while. But I also don't want to be alone tonight. So please, don't think like that. Sex has nothing to do with this. It's just one friend helping another. Just sleeping together."

He looked like he might have been tempted to say something, but then he closed his mouth.

"If it's OK, I'll sleep out here," Emmett said. "Just in case."

"Oh no, Em. You'll be uncomfortable," I said.

"I'll be fine. I won't get any sleep anywhere else if I'm worried about you guys, so I'm better off here, knowing that I can do something if that psycho decides he hasn't had enough yet."

I shuddered and Em, Seth and I all looked towards Edward, expecting him to raise another fuss, but he surprised us all by saying nothing. Seth sprang up from his perch beside me.

"All right. I'll go to our place and get some extra bedding for Em while you get ready for bed, Jas. I'll be right back."

Em had brought my bags up from the Jeep coming back from the parking lot after making sure that James left the premises, so I was able to brush my teeth and change into my own sleep pants and a t-shirt. I was all settled in my bedroom when Seth bounced in and slid into bed beside me. We shared a chaste, friendly kiss and snuggled together, his body heat and touch bringing more comfort than any security blanket. Em and Edward both came in to say goodnight and Emmett turned off the light and closed the door. All my worries about my thoughts getting in the way of sleep were unfounded. With Seth beside me, I was comfortable enough to fall asleep immediately.

Over the next couple of weeks we developed a pattern. Either Emmett or Edward would walk me to all my classes and then walk me back home, where one of them would take turns staying with me. I was never really alone, but I didn't mind. Having the company made me feel secure and they weren't intrusive, giving me as much space as I needed short of leaving me alone. I knew they were only doing it for my protection, so I didn't mind.

Without any extra stress and beatings, my body started to recover at an accelerated pace. Edward's injuries healed as well, and he soon looked as beautiful as he ever did. As much as I loved Emmett and Seth, and I loved them both like brothers, my favorite time was when Edward and I were in the apartment alone together. In many ways he was still the same as ever, often trying to tell me what to eat or when to study, but he was also more subdued and introspective than I'd ever seen him. And more affectionate. He had picked up Seth and Em's habit of touching me frequently in passing. It was not sexual in any way, merely reassuring. A squeeze on the shoulder, a light pat on the back, a hello hug, a grab and squeeze of the hand. Little things that meant a lot to me, but must have been a huge adjustment for him. I could tell he was really making an effort, really trying to overcome all the stereotypes and hateful thoughts in his head.

Emmett, Seth and Edward had declared an uneasy truce. Seth and Em spent more time at our place than they did at their own, still not quite trusting Edward not to revert to his homophobic, raging self. My suspicion that Edward had hardly been eating while I was gone was confirmed when we found a freezer full of food from the meal service retained by Esme for the two of us. Since new meals kept coming weekly, Edward had no problem with all of us eating the frozen entrees, and not having to cook came particularly handy as we all frantically studied for finals. Seth and Emmett in particular appreciated the convenience. And with the regular meals, Edward started gaining weight and looking healthier once again, which made me very happy.

Getting ready for finals was painful. With everything else that had gone on that term, I'd neglected my schoolwork and catching up was difficult if not impossible. Fortunately, the one thing I always insisted on was actually attending all my classes, so I had thorough notes, which helped me narrow down where I really needed to catch up on my reading. Still, it was a good thing that Edward and Emmett didn't want me leaving the apartment, as I would have no time to do anything other than study anyway.

Nights were interesting. Because it was the end of term, Seth's dating schedule was light, so he and I still slept together most of the time. On nights when Seth was out late, I would sleep with Em at his and Seth's place. On those nights Edward would bring his bedding over and sleep on the pull-out, even though I'd assured him countless times that it wasn't necessary, that James was unlikely to return and even if he did, Em could handle him. Edward didn't want to hear it, and I started to wonder if there was a different reason he insisted on sleeping in the same apartment as I did. It was almost as if he was chaperoning, making sure that I didn't get caught up in something with either Seth or Em too much too soon. I thought it was sweet. So sweet, in fact, that I didn't want him to stop, so I postponed telling him exactly why Seth, Em and I were not exactly compatible in the romance department. In fact, I postponed all serious talks with Edward about my orientation, figuring we would have plenty of time to discuss it when we were finally alone.

We didn't have to wait long. Finals week went by pretty quickly. By Thursday evening Seth was done with all his exams and term papers and packing to fly out to Puerta Vallarta with some of his friends for the clubs. Not one to enjoy loud parties, Emmett was flying out to Minnesota Friday evening to spend a week with his grandparents, helping them with spring cleaning and odd jobs around the house. He'd asked if I wanted to go with him, still reluctant to leave me in Seattle, especially alone with Edward, but I assured him that I would be fine. Edward and I needed the time to talk and reconnect, and if things went really wrong I could always catch a bus to Forks.

After we dropped Emmett off at the airport, Edward and I drove home in a peculiar silence. It wasn't uncomfortable, exactly, or even tense, but there was an air of something between us that felt different than before. It was like we were both expecting something to happen, but neither one of us knew what that something was.

"I'm damned sick of those fucking frozen entrees," he commented suddenly. "Let's get a pizza?"

"Sure," I readily agreed. I was getting tired of the nutritionally balanced meals too. They may have been good for us and were even pretty tasty, but I'd been yearning for some comfort food. I watched as Edward took out his cell phone and called in the order at Sal's.

"We can pick it up on the way home," he said. "Any idea on what you want to do tonight?"

I shrugged. It had been a long week and I was pretty tired. I definitely did not feel like going out anywhere and, frankly, I didn't feel like doing much either. I certainly wasn't ready yet for one of those serious conversations I'd been putting off 'till Em and Seth were gone.

"I guess I'd like to maybe just watch TV or a movie? But if you prefer to go out . . ."

"No," Edward said. "I'm good to stay in. A movie sounds great. There's bound to be something On Demand we haven't seen yet."

We picked up the pizza and headed back to the apartment, where we settled in on the living room couch and watched the latest installment of an action series franchise. After it was over, Edward put away the pizza leftovers, then returned to the living room to ask if I wanted to watch another movie.

"Nah," I said, "I don't think I could stay awake for another one. I'm pretty tired." I yawned as if on cue.

"Are you going to sleep, then?"

"Yeah, I guess so. Sorry. I'll be better company tomorrow."

"You're fine, Jasper. Don't worry about it. Do you want me to . . ? I mean, Seth and Emmett aren't here and . . . ."

He said the last part so rapidly, with the words so blended together, that I could barely make them out. I was shocked. Edward was offering to spend the night with me? Did he forget I was gay?

"Um . . . Thanks for the offer. I appreciate it, but you don't have to do that. I think I'll be all right by myself tonight."

"Jasper, I'm not offering because I think I have to. I want to be there for you, as a friend, just like Emmett and Seth were. . . If you'll let me."

I saw now what he meant. He wanted to show me that he was just as much of a friend to me as Emmett and Seth. If I said no it would be a rejection of his friendship. But if I said yes . . . How the hell would I be able to make it through the night with Edward Cullen beside me in my bed?

"You said it wasn't sexual with them, right?" He asked.

"It wasn't and it's not, but . . . Edward, a few months ago you could barely stand to be in the same room with me. This might . . . well . . . it might be too much for you. And it's not necessary. I should be fine. It's been almost 2 weeks."

He tried to hide it, but I could tell he was disappointed at my rejection of his offer. And suddenly I felt horrible. What if this was his way of trying to make up for all the things that happened since that night I told him I was gay? His way of showing me that he was OK with me as I was. He was willing to do that for me and I was throwing it in his face. And why? It was just one night. We'd both be fully dressed. I was still injured and hadn't been in the mood for sex in weeks. I had to believe I'd be able to control myself no matter how tempting it would be to have him lying beside me.

"Well, then," He mumbled, looking down, "Maybe I should sleep in your room, on the floor, just in case it turns out you do need someone there."

Oh, this was ridiculous! I had to get over myself and put him out of his misery.

"No, Edward. You're not going to sleep on the floor. If you're sure you want to do this, then yes, I would be grateful. Just please, be sure." I thought back to that morning after his and Bella's break-up, how horrified he was to have woken up in bed with me. I didn't think I could go through that again.

"I'm sure, Jasper," he said quietly and looked up from beneath those long lashes. I closed my eyes and cursed silently. I may not have been in the mood for sex for weeks, but things were rapidly starting to change.

"Okay, then," I said quickly, eager to get out of this room and out of his sight before he had reason to withdraw the offer. "I'll just go and change."

I grabbed my sleep pants and t-shirt for the bedroom and headed for the bathroom. I knew I had to do more than just brush my teeth, or else I'd never make it through the night. Taking a shower would be suspicious, so I grabbed a hand towel to cover my cock and rubbed a quick one out sitting on the toilet, the towel catching all the jizz. I bundled the towel into my jeans to throw into the hamper and quickly finished brushing my teeth.

"The bathroom's all yours," I said as I headed for my bedroom.

"Alright. Thanks."

In my room I slid in under the covers and lay there waiting. I was nervous. Sleeping with Seth or Em had been easy, comfortable. But then I hadn't been in love with or lusted after either of them. Sleeping next to Edward would be different altogether.

Time passed. I didn't know exactly how long, afraid to look at my watch. It felt like an eternity, but must have been much faster in real life. Eventually he came in and came to the other side of the bed, sliding under the covers beside me. I reached over and turned off my bedside lamp. Then we were both laying on our backs, ramrod straight, staring at the ceiling.

"Is this the way you normally sleep?" Edward asked after a minute.

"No," I admitted.

"Good, 'cause this is damn uncomfortable. So how do you usually . . .?

"On the side. But we can both sleep however we are both comfortable," I quickly added.

"Well, do what you normally do and I'll figure it out after you're done."

Silently I shifted to my side, facing the edge of the bed. I slipped my bent arm underneath my head. Then I waited to see what he would do. Soon he was turning on his side too, facing the same direction I was and inching a bit closer to me. He slipped his left arm over me, wrapping it loosely around my waist. There was enough distance between us that we weren't spooning, but the positions of our bodies were pretty identical.

"This OK?" he asked quietly.

'Yeah," I whispered, letting out a shallow breath. The air around me crackled with electricity. I had no idea how the hell I was going to get any sleep.

Then I felt Edward shift even closer. Tentatively, he moved his hand, letting it skim the top of my arm and the skin on my neck until he rested it on the side of my head, sliding his fingers along my scalp through my short hair. It had been over a month since the haircut, and the hair had grown out some, but it was still nowhere near as long as I had worn it in high school.

"Jas, why did you cut your hair?" He asked, still moving his fingers over my short waves. I closed my eyes, relishing the sensation, but I was puzzled by the question.

"James thought it got in my face and eyes too much. Why? Don't you like it this way?"

I felt him shake his head. "It's not that. It's just that I hate that you thought you had to change for him."

"I think everyone changes some things for the people we love," I said. "Cutting my hair didn't seem like a big deal. I actually kind of like it, though it makes me look too young. I was thinking of letting it grow back, but maybe when I'm older I'll cut it like this again."

"You should grow it back and never cut it again. I really liked it the way you wore it before."

I didn't respond. I didn't know if it was right for me to be this pleased that he had thought about my hair. I really needed to work harder on keeping my thoughts and feelings neutral.

We stayed silent for a while. Eventually he moved his hand back to my midriff. Even through the fabric of the T-shirt I was keenly aware of the heat of each of his resting fingers. I concentrated on keeping my breathing even, hoping this would eventually help me get used to the sensation and help me fall asleep.

"Did you really love him?" Edward asked softly. There was such pain in the question I nearly turned to look back at him, though I wouldn't have been able to see much in the dark. Instead, I remained still and thought about how to answer. I was sure he was absolutely appalled that I could have loved a monster like James, but he hadn't known the other side. Of course I didn't love the monster, but when he had been good to me, when he had been kind, when he looked at me like I was special, when he showed me how much he wanted me . . . I did love him then. Or at least I thought so at the time. But maybe I had been trying too hard to make reality fit my own fantasy?

"I don't know," I finally replied. "I think maybe I wanted that perfect loving relationship so much that I fooled myself into thinking that he loved me and that I loved him too. Looking back now it feels like I was under some sort of spell. Like a walking zombie. I could see and hear everything, and I knew that things were going wrong, but I couldn't do anything about it. It wasn't a good feeling. I actually really hope that wasn't love."

"And when he started . . . when he hit you, you never considered leaving? You never tried calling someone for help?"

I took a deep breath. He was asking about things I didn't want to think about, much less talk about, especially with him. It was easier that day when Emmett first brought me back to this apartment, when I didn't think there was anything between us and so I had nothing to lose. Now I was scared again. What if he lost all respect for me? What if he didn't want to be friends with a coward? But I didn't want to lie to him either. And besides, I wasn't creative enough to think of a lie that would make me sound any better than the truth.

"The first time I almost didn't believe it. I think I actually convinced myself it didn't really happen. Then I thought he would stop. It wasn't that bad and I thought I could change things to make it stop. By the time I realized there was nothing I could do, I was embarrassed. Embarrassed of being so weak, of being so stupid. Em and Seth tried to warn me before I moved in with him and I didn't listen. And then I ignored them and my family for him, and I thought everyone would hate me. I didn't think I had anywhere to go or anyone to call. And I had few opportunities to call even if I wanted to. He was constantly watching me, monitoring my calls and e-mail. If I tried to reach out to someone and they said no and he found out . . ."

"Jas, I'm so sorry," Edward said.

I turned so that I was laying on my back and turned my head to look at his face. In the dark I could barely make out the contours of his features.

"You don't need to be sorry, Edward. You didn't do anything wrong. I got myself into a bad situation, ignored some excellent advice and suffered the consequences. I'm just so grateful that Em and Seth and you were there when I finally broke through the haze. I couldn't have gotten away from him alone.

"And you, especially. I know how hard this has been for you. I know I'm not the person you always thought I was. I can imagine how much it hurt you to find out I'd been lying all those years, and especially those couple of times . . . And I know you disapprove of my lifestyle . . ."

"Jas, stop." he commanded. "Stop talking like you did anything wrong. I've had a long time to think about everything, especially the way I behaved when you told me you were gay. I understand. I get why you didn't tell me sooner. I mean, you always knew, didn't you? You always suspected how I'd react and I only proved you right. And it probably would have been worse in high school. I would have made an even bigger ass of myself then. I would have played the big man on campus who couldn't possibly associate with a fairy. I would have destroyed you."

I turned to my side again, not able to continue looking at him. It shouldn't have, but it hurt to have all my worst fears about him confirmed.

"Jas? What did I do now? What did I say?" His hand was on my shoulder, gently tugging me to turn back to face him, but I resisted.

"Nothing. It's nothing. I'm just tired. Can we please just go to sleep and talk about all this tomorrow?"

"Okay," he sounded a bit defeated. "But there's one thing you need to know tonight. I'm not that guy anymore. When I told you that it doesn't matter anymore, I meant it. If you had been around, I would have told you sooner."

There were so many questions I wanted to ask, but this wasn't the right time or place to ask them. I knew we would have to have this discussion tomorrow, in the light of day, where we could look each other in the eye.

"And one other thing. I left you alone because I thought you were happy and I didn't think you wanted to see me. I wish now I hadn't assumed those things. I wish I had had the balls to seek you out and try to talk to you. Because I would have seen it. I know I would have seen it. Maybe you hid it well enough from Emmett or Seth, but I would have known that something was wrong and we could have done something about it then. So I'm sorry, Jas. I told myself I was staying away from you for your own good, but it was because I was a coward. It was easier to assume you would reject my apologies than to actually hear the rejection. I was an idiot and I failed you once again."

I heard it then, that unmistakable break in his voice that told me he was crying. He was trying to hide it, doing a great job of it too, but in those final two sentences he gave himself away. And my heart broke. And I knew I couldn't just lay there silently until I fell asleep.

I flipped over again to look at him, noting that this time he was curled up, his chin tucked into his neck and chest to hide his face from my prying eyes.

"Hey," I said softly, my hand reaching for his. "Hey," I repeated after a moment, louder this time, demanding his attention. I let go of his hand and reached for his chin, trying to force him to look at me. My fingers slid over wet skin, moisture clinging to the light stubble. We both knew that he was crying, and yet still he refused to look at me.

"Edward," I said, more sternly than I intended or knew I was capable of, "You were just telling me how much you regretted being a coward before, so stop being a coward now and look at me. Please?" The last word was softer than the others. I really needed to see his face.

Slowly, he lifted his head and looked in my direction. There wasn't a lot of ambient light in the room, just a bit of illumination from lamps in the parking lot, but I could still see the glistening sparkle of liquid pooling in his eyes. I reached for his chin again, to make sure he didn't turn away.

"Listen to me, please. We have no idea what could or would have happened if we'd done things differently. We both messed up in some ways and we can't know if a change in any one decision would have made things better or worse. Maybe if you had come to me earlier I would have rejected that apology? We can't know. We can't change the past.

"We can talk about all this tomorrow. We should talk about it, get everything out in the open so that we can start again. But for now, tonight, you can't keep blaming yourself for things you aren't responsible for, OK?"

He kept his eyes on me, but stayed stubbornly silent. I sighed. I hated to use dirty tactics, but it really was late and I really was exhausted and we both needed to get some rest. And in order to do that he had to let this go.

"Unless you really want me to keep thinking about who's to blame and you want to remind me about how dumb I was to call up a stranger who had groped me the first time we met, and then slept with him within hours of seeing him again, and then moved in with him after seeing him for only three weeks, and then did nothing when he started beating me . . ."

"Enough," he growled.

"Yeah, I agree. Tell you what, I'll stop if you will? Deal?"

"Deal," he grumbled reluctantly.

"Good," I said, "Because I won't be able to keep my eyes open much longer. Goodnight, Edward. Thanks for being here with me. I promise we'll talk tomorrow, for as long as you want."

On impulse I moved over to him and kissed his cheek, before turning back to the edge of the bed.

He didn't say or do anything for a second, and I smiled to myself, knowing I caught him off guard. My smirk was quickly wiped off my face when I felt his hand slap my ass.

"Goodnight, Whitlock," he said, and I could hear the smirk in his voice. I laughed softly and then grabbed his hand when he draped it over my waist again. A lot of things had gone wrong recently, but if all of them led to Edward and I being friends again and him actually accepting me for who I was, it was all worth it. I closed my eyes, and was nearly instantly asleep.

In the morning, the bright light streaming into the room through the flimsy apartment blinds worked better than any alarm clock to rip me from peaceful slumber. I squinted as I opened my eyes, slowly getting used to consciousness. It didn't take me long to realize that I was in a very precarious position. Overnight I must have moved, because unlike last night I was now pressed up closely against Edward's back, my arm wrapped tightly around his mid-section. My typical morning wood was cozily nestled into Edward's ass. We were both wearing sleep pants and underwear, of course, but that fuckin' rattlesnake managed to carve out a comfortable little niche, even through all the fabric. And the other side wasn't much better. While apparently I was at least capable of keeping my hand out of Edward's pants while we were both still unconscious, his cock was straining upwards in his briefs so that his head was rubbing through the underwear and pants against my naked arm. Worst of all, the arm draped over Edward was actually locked with one of his, the fingers of our hands intertwined in a way that made it impossible for me to untangle without waking him and making him aware of the other two problems. Fuck!

OK, I tried to calm myself down. This is a problem and like every other problem there is a solution. Come on, Jasper. Work the problem. One step at a time. I started by carefully shifting my hips backwards, inch by inch, creating a small but discernible space between us. I then pulled my arm up slowly, to get it away from the top of Edward's erection. That worked as well. Now if I could just get my hand out of his so I could pull away completely. I was almost home free. Of course, as soon as I started to straighten my fingers and to gently tug them away from his hand, he stirred. And he didn't wake up. Instead, he sighed, tightened his grip on my hand and wriggled his body backwards into mine again, basically nullifying all my efforts. Jesus Christ! Now he was going to wake up and think I was molesting him.

I tried to be patient, to wait for him to perhaps fall into deeper sleep so I could try my escape plan again, but as was typical in the mornings, I was having a hell of a time staying still. I had a full bladder and with Edward's body tucked up against it, my hard-on wasn't going anywhere. It was all I could do to keep my hips immobile, as my body fought my mind, desperate to grind into the adjoining ass to obtain a release. Finally, when I couldn't stand it any more, I took a deep breath and yanked my hand out of his, rolling away and to my other side as soon as I was free.

"What the fuck?" I heard Edward's confused mutter. A moment passed as he figured out where he was and why, and then I heard him turning as well, and felt his hand on my back. "Jasper? Are you all right?"

"I'm fine, Edward, good morning," I turned my upper body towards him to look at him, but kept my hips facing away so that my state of arousal wouldn't be obvious. Thankfully, even the few seconds apart from his warmth was helping with that problem. "Did you sleep OK?"

Despite, or maybe because of the fact that his hair was even more disheveled than ever and his eyes were slightly bleary and the expression on his face was a bit confused, he looked absolutely adorable.

"Yeah, I did. Really well, in fact. Best night's sleep in a long while. You?"

I thought about it, realizing that I felt exactly the same way.

"Yeah. It really was for me too. I guess finals had been stressing us out more than we realized," I added, thinking I needed to offer a plausible explanation for the way I was feeling other than Edward and I sleeping together.

"Right," he agreed. "So, do you want the bathroom first?"

"Sure, I guess."

I hopped out of bed and walked to my dresser, keeping my back to him just in case. I grabbed fresh clothes and a new towel and, throwing a "see you soon" over my shoulder, headed to the bathroom to complete my morning routine. But the time I was done, Edward was waiting outside the door. After he finished we at breakfast together, making small talk about finals and comparing our schedules for the next term, for the time being avoiding the elephant in the room. After breakfast, though, without having to say anything, we both headed for the living room couch, knowing it was time to have "the talk."

"I don't really know where to start," I said awkwardly.

"Well, why not start at the beginning? When did you figure out you were gay?"

I liked the way that question rolled so easily off his tongue, and it was as if the floodgates finally opened. I started talking and I couldn't shut up. I told him about noticing my attraction to men and lack of attraction to girls, about my constant fear of being found out, about the confirmation I got that summer with Peter. I told him about meeting Rick and Laurent in Europe and then coming back, and how much knowing Seth and Emmett helped me before I finally came out.

Edward listened, mostly without interruption, keeping his face neutral and free of judgment, which I really appreciated. He also didn't press me for details about my crush on him, which I carefully avoided making any references to. Accepting and living with a gay roommate was going to be difficult enough for him. He didn't also need to think about how his roommate had lusted after him for years and, if I had to be honest, was still lusting after him.

My story was finally at a point where I needed to talk about the night I came out, and I was getting nervous. This was going to re-open a wound, and I just hoped we would be able to stitch it back up again.

"That Monday night, when you came home with Alice," I started, "I'd really wanted to talk to you, alone. But of course you had different plans, and you needed me to go along with them, and I really tried. I knew it was important to you so I really tried. But it was too much. She . . . well, to be fair, I don't think any girl would have exactly turned me on, but she really turned me off in the worst sort of way. And you saw . . . I just couldn't. I went to Em because I knew he'd understand. I didn't realize you'd be worried about me, or else I would have called you to tell you where I was. But then you showed up at the door and you were so mean and insulting to him, and I couldn't just stand there and say nothing. So I told you right then and there."

"I wish I hadn't done that, Edward. I keep thinking if I had waited to tell you in private, at a time when our emotions hadn't already been rubbed too raw, maybe it would have been different. But once I told you I couldn't take it back and then you didn't want to have anything to do with me. And that hurt. I understood it and expected it but I was still angry and hurt that you were just able to toss our friendship aside like it didn't matter because I wasn't attracted sexually to the same gender of people you were. And I missed you. Seth and Emmett are great friends. I cherish their friendship, especially after that they did for me with James, but they're not you. As close as we've been for so many years, I could never have that kind of friendship with anyone. And it hurt like hell to think I'd lost that forever."

"Jas, I don't even know what to say, how to apologize enough for how I acted. I sure as hell didn't act like a friend. I was so fucking selfish, only thinking about me. It just hurt to hear you'd been lying to me and yet Emmett knew. You'd told this guy you'd only met a few months ago, but you didn't tell me. And I didn't think about why. I didn't consider how much of a dick I've been about gays and how that must have sounded to you, how much that must have hurt you over time.

"And then knowing that he knew what I'd asked you to do with me and Alice, and hearing him say that I'd forced you to perform sex acts for my pleasure . . . I never thought of it that way, but that's what it was. I coerced you. I knew you didn't want to and I pushed you into it because I wanted . . . it was all about me. God, Jas, can you ever forgive me for that? For Alice and Lauren? I didn't mean to force you. Please know that. I didn't know you didn't like girls. I thought you were shy, but once you got into it you'd enjoy it. I think a part of me thought it was OK because I was helping you get with girls, but that's such fucked up thinking, even if you were straight.

"I felt so sick that night. I couldn't stop thinking about how perverted I'd been. And I blamed you, because you hadn't told me about liking guys. So instead of taking the blame myself I blamed you. And I convinced myself that I couldn't be friends with a liar and a queer," A grimace passed his face. "Sorry, a gay man . . ."

I place my hand over his reassuringly.

"Edward, just for the record, gay is fine. Queer is OK too, at least for me. And the other stuff, well, maybe it's not OK but I'll understand if you slip. All right? I know it's hard, changing the way you think about these things. It was hard for me when I figured it out. Like you, I always thought being a fag was bad, until I'd realized that I was gay. And even then, for a while, I tried to change, because I didn't want to be that. I wanted to be like you and all the other guys in school. I hated being different. Eventually, slowly, I came to terms with it, but I know how hard it is, and I am gay. No one expects you to become a different person overnight.

"You know, I don't blame you for feeling betrayed." I continued. "I did lie to you. I thought I had good reasons, they may even have actually been good reasons, but it doesn't change the fact that I was dishonest. I do wish I had handled things differently. Maybe told you before you graduated, so you could get another roommate if you wanted, or right when I came back in the fall. . ."

"No. I'm glad you didn't tell me. Because I probably would have gotten a different roommate, and regretted it. Look, I may be a grade A idiot and asshole, and I may have royally fucked this all up, but I'm glad we decided to live together. I'd never want another roommate. Like I said, if you hadn't moved away, if I had seen you sooner, I think this would have been resolved sooner as well.

"When you moved out, I kept thinking about everything. It was all I could think about. I was hurt, yes, but I was angry and jealous too because you'd just moved on to other friends, like our friendship didn't mean anything to you. I'd see you here and on campus and you'd be with one of them, happy. And I was here, all alone, miserable. And at first I didn't understand how that had been my choice. Again, I blamed you. I convinced myself that if you could move on so quickly it meant that our friendship didn't mean anything to you. I didn't realize until later that everything I did pushed you away."

"It was hard for me, too," I said quietly. "But I couldn't show it. Em and Seth had taken me in and I couldn't repay them for that by being constantly miserable, even though that's how I felt inside. Then, New Year's Eve, I made a resolution to try to move on. And when I came back I started dating, but nothing was working out. And then I decided to call James, not realizing that I'd just released an avalanche that almost buried me."

"When I saw you with him in the hallway," Edward said, "It must have been still early in your relationship, but you looked happy. Really happy. Maybe the happiest I'd even seen you. And that's all I saw. I guess at that point he hadn't started yet?"

I shook my head, thinking back to that night, the night James met Seth and Emmett.

"Seth and Em didn't see anything else that night either, " I assured him.

"But they warned you not to be with him anyway? So somehow they must have known something."

"They were uneasy because he was monopolizing my time and keeping me away from them. They thought we were moving too fast. They were right, but it was just a gut feeling, not actual knowledge of anything. Please, Edward, stop thinking about this. You couldn't have known. There was nothing you could have done."

We didn't say anything for a while, lost in our own thoughts. Finally, I spoke again.

"Edward, I know there are a lot of things that we could have done differently, better, but I really want to move on, OK? So I forgive you for not being more understanding and . . . well, for everything. I just want us to start from scratch. And I'd like you to forgive yourself too, all right? Things happened. We both said and did things we're not proud of today. But we made it, right? We're here, together, like we used to be. Maybe we need to fix some things still, maybe some of them will take a while, but we'll work them out together.

"So what do you say? I forgive you. Can you forgive me? Can we officially bury this stuff here, today, and start over?"

He looked at me silently for a moment, then reached for me and pulled me into a tight embrace.

"Of course I forgive you, Jas. And I'll try to forgive myself, though that's much more difficult. But yes, I want to start over. I need my best friend back."

"Me too, Edward. I've really missed you."

"I missed you too."

I was crying. Mostly tears of happiness and relief. I felt wetness on my shoulder and knew he was doing the same. The embrace, the tears, it was the catharsis we both needed.

We held each other and cried for a long while. Eventually we separated, using our sleeves to wipe our eyes and laughing at the stupidity of crying at this particular time. We washed our faces, ate lunch, and then Edward brought out a backgammon board and we spent the entire afternoon brushing up on long-forgotten skills and strategies. I couldn't have thought of a better way to start our spring break and the next phase of our friendship.